I’m sooooooo numb, but not suicidal!!! I’m waiting to see just what God is going to do in the upcoming seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years. I’m simply standing on His promises.
My mother’s day ended horrific, and I blame my actions on my inability to refrain from alcohol. I have this misconception that I can’t be friendly and fun unless I’m under the influence… Totally inaccurate!!!
Two days have passed, and I just apologized, but I wasn’t even the initial aggressor. Nonetheless, if I expect anything from God, I gotta ALWAYS be the bigger person, and it don’t seem fair at all… However, obedience is deftly better than sacrifice.
Besides all that, I need a focal point for my life or I run the risk of repetitive altercations. I need some substance, and I know it’ll start once I get wholeheartedly connected with a devout group of believers. But, the obstacles are surmountable and it’s driving me insane… Sort of like a catch 22… I have to work two jobs, in order to make ends meet. But, that impedes on my ability to get grounded and rooted the way I need to ggggrrrrrrhhhhhh… SMH.
Actually, going to services would cause sleep deprivation, because of my chaotic hours at my full-time. Then, trying to do, on my own, in what spare time I force pans out under non beneficial, because in the same way, one cannot teach themselves academically, likewise I’m not able to fully grasp the Holy Word, and know what I should be doing alone.
I’m a runner by nature (when the going gets tough/rough I get going) and my life appears so pointless and inadequate in the DMV, and I feel as though I need new scenery and different opportunities!!! There’s sooooooo much inside me, both good and bad… But, I keep telling myself once I find a new spot and implement a new way of living, thinking and acting… All the overflowing good will absolutely outweigh the bad.
I get daily emails from Rick Warren and Joel Osteen, and lately I’ve been urged to find out exactly what it is that God has for me to do, and I have some ideas. But, I quickly dismiss them, because they all require time, money, energy, and/or support that I don’t possess. Low and behold, I refuse to give up, no more getting so frustrated that I result to taking my life, because I’m confused and angry!!! That’s simply the trick of the enemy.
I’m determined to wait on God… He’s got something BIG planned, and I gotta be ready for it. But, without the flare ups, at the least bit of disturbance in my life. Every day won’t be perfect, and problems WILL arise. So, I’ll stay away from liquor, which makes me react incorrectly, and keep a sober, Prayed up mind… That will allow me to go through chaos calmly, thus passing my test, and eventually moving on with God, in the realm of emotions necessary for the Blessings He had stored up for me and mine.
BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)