I’m homeless, and guess what!!! It ain’t about me, but rather ALL about God.

In all that I’m going through, I’m allowing God to teach me humility. Who am I to walk around with a chip on my shoulders, acting as if nobody has a right to talk to me or give me direction, Nooooooo matter their status or lack thereof.

There’s certain ways about me that must change before I can expect to receive anything from God. He nor no one else owes me anything. So, this prideful attitude I attain has to go!!!

Then, the biggest problem is the fact that I act out towards people because of the things I’ve been told beforehand about them SMH, and I just nearly had the same thing happen to me at work, but God showed forth Mercy. I love it when God shows me things about me that He don’t like, because that proves I am in fact His… He chastens who He loves… Therefore Daddy clean me up, until I have the mindset that pleases You.

Here I am in need of sooooooo much, but I have the audacity to get smart with people, just because I feel like I don’t wanna be bothered, it ain’t right and won’t be tolerated, in the eyes of God… And anything that’s not fitting for Him cannot and will not be a part of my life either!!!

Change has to take place, not only because I need a home, more hours at work and debt clearing help. But, more so because I wanna be the devout woman of God He has called me to become and desires for me to be… Love You Daddy and thanx for leading, guiding and directing me… In Jesus name Amen 🙂 🙂 🙂

Advertisements

Ashes/Demons

This was four days ago, and I’m upset that I didn’t see it earlier. Nonetheless, I’m believing with all my heart of hearts that you’re just fine. Especially since you stated at the end of your post that you REALLY don’t want to die, that you’re just tired. But, more importantly, you have people you must live and be strong for. I’m happy to hear that they’re still meaningful enough in your life, that you’ll do away with those irrational thoughts immediately and NOT act upon them.

Sadly, in February 2014 even with 11 precious grand children, 4 wonderful children and a promising career in the Federal Government I still resulted to taking my life because I was tired. During that time, I had no desire to seek God for myself and rejected any other’s who wanted to intercede for me… I had enough, and couldn’t see anything positive ever becoming of my life at all.

I was living in Maryland at the time, and that was my first time ever going through this there and I learned rather quickly that I’d made the BIGGEST mistake ever… The law there is confinement, with no chance of leaving for a minimum of three days… Ooooooooohhh Nooooooo, I’ve got to go to work, they thought that was hilarious. To them, I was crazy and needed to be there… But, after a couple of hours of seeing that my friends and family did love and care about me was suffice for me… That was all I was initially longing for, and my Facebook message box, cell phone voicemail was packed instantly… But, I was locked away involuntarily… Thank God for one lady who realised that my not reporting to work would cause me to lose it and further intensify my my thoughts fit not wanting to live, and she talked the resident physician into taking a chance with me, and I haven’t looked back since. In turns, I started this blog and begin channeling all my spare time into helping my sisters and brothers all across the Nation diminish those ugly thoughts altogether… We merely need to grasp what it is we’re really in need of and pursue it, if possible, and if for whatever reason that’s not an option, then other alternatives are a must. But, suicide absolutely will NOT be the ultimate outlet under Nooooooo circumstances.

For you, I reiterate how I’m overjoyed at the fact that you have those SPECIAL people who are dear to you keeping your mind at bay. If you like, we can talk anytime… I’m here for you my luv.

https://funds.gofundme.com/mobile/dashboard?url=h2r43w

My darkest hours.

My heart doesn’t feel heavy. It doesn’t feel anything as there is just emptiness as that is all the I am now. I am just an empty shell of the person I used to be. I don’t even remember who that person is anymore. I can’t remember what it feels like to feel something positive for more than twenty minutes. I just know the bad feelings, the emptiness and the darkness that is constantly surrounding me. Today I reached my lowest, today for the first time I started having thoughts about hurting myself. I thought about getting a handful of antidepressants, sleeping pills and painkillers and just swallowing them. Hoping that it would stop the pain.

Having thoughts like that… Thinking of harming myself and has never really been part of my illness. I’ve been and I am severely depressed but I have never thought about harming myself as I…

View original post 327 more words

What’s next???????

I’m sooooooo numb, but not suicidal!!! I’m waiting to see just what God is going to do in the upcoming seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years. I’m simply standing on His promises.

My mother’s day ended horrific, and I blame my actions on my inability to refrain from alcohol. I have this misconception that I can’t be friendly and fun unless I’m under the influence… Totally inaccurate!!!

Two days have passed, and I just apologized, but I wasn’t even the initial aggressor. Nonetheless, if I expect anything from God, I gotta ALWAYS be the bigger person, and it don’t seem fair at all… However, obedience is deftly better than sacrifice.

Besides all that, I need a focal point for my life or I run the risk of repetitive altercations. I need some substance, and I know it’ll start once I get wholeheartedly connected with a devout group of believers. But, the obstacles are surmountable and it’s driving me insane… Sort of like a catch 22… I have to work two jobs, in order to make ends meet. But, that impedes on my ability to get grounded and rooted the way I need to ggggrrrrrrhhhhhh… SMH.

Actually, going to services would cause sleep deprivation, because of my chaotic hours at my full-time. Then, trying to do, on my own, in what spare time I force pans out under non beneficial, because in the same way, one cannot teach themselves academically, likewise I’m not able to fully grasp the Holy Word, and know what I should be doing alone.

I’m a runner by nature (when the going gets tough/rough I get going) and my life appears so pointless and inadequate in the DMV, and I feel as though I need new scenery and different opportunities!!! There’s sooooooo much inside me, both good and bad… But, I keep telling myself once I find a new spot and implement a new way of living, thinking and acting… All the overflowing good will absolutely outweigh the bad.

I get daily emails from Rick Warren and Joel Osteen, and lately I’ve been urged to find out exactly what it is that God has for me to do, and I have some ideas. But, I quickly dismiss them, because they all require time, money, energy, and/or support that I don’t possess. Low and behold, I refuse to give up, no more getting so frustrated that I result to taking my life, because I’m confused and angry!!! That’s simply the trick of the enemy.

I’m determined to wait on God… He’s got something BIG planned, and I gotta be ready for it. But, without the flare ups, at the least bit of disturbance in my life. Every day won’t be perfect, and problems WILL arise. So, I’ll stay away from liquor, which makes me react incorrectly, and keep a sober, Prayed up mind… That will allow me to go through chaos calmly, thus passing my test, and eventually moving on with God, in the realm of emotions necessary for the Blessings He had stored up for me and mine.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Just what do you do when you have Nooooooo clue… SMH

Complaining coupled with depression… Is not pleasing to God at all!!! But, I’m a mess right now 😦

I’m trapped in this thick black fog, and see Nooooooo waaaaaayyyyyyy out, but I know it’s minutely a trick of the enemy, and he WON’T win! I will bounce BBBBAAAAACCCCCKKKKK, and snap out of this disgusting place.

I’m more than a conqueror, I’m Blessed and highly favored 🙂 I’m a child of God… An heir of God and a joint heir with Christ Jesus.

Nooooooo good thing will God ever withhold from me. I shall muster the strength to work BOTH jobs that God has given me. My bills are covered in the blood, and therefore PAID in full. My children and grand children have all they need, and are walking upright before God. My social life is sufficient, and anything outta place shall diminish quickly… God won’t allow nothing to stagnate me and cause me dismay.

Lucifer, you’re ddddeeeeaaaadddd, I took you out some two weeks ago. Sooooooo, what attempts you’re making to place me in a long term stupor is downtrodden… I won’t be moved… I’m fine, and you’re simply a figment of my imagination.

Haaaappppyyyy again :-):-):-):-):-):-)

Follow me as I allow Christ to LEAD!!!