Post from HCUMABH 2/19/14

I felt compelled to share with you what horrific experience I endured last week, and some of you may have watched it all unfold, yet while other’s will read about it for the first time tonight.

I went through a break up on the 14th that sent me for a loop, and what made it different than any other is the fact that coupled with the overwhelms of emotions, I attempted suicide for the umpteenth time, and it also panned out way far different than before. And as I continue, you’ll understand better where I’m going with this. But, as I write this to you I’m shaking like I suffer from Parkinson’s disease, but it’s merely the affects of the medicine they pumped me up with and the drugs I consumed in my dumb attempt.

I keep asking God why I have to always be lonely, and His reply, one that I’ll finally accept is plainly “you’re not alone, you’re just being savored for Me”. People, I’m 43, and have always been domineering, Soooooo for me to find myself begging for my mommy, while strapped to a hospital bed gave me the biggest wake up call ever. I quickly realized I was no longer in control, and had to be subjected to whatever they did to me… scared me out of my wits.

Point at hand, in God revealing to me that I’m His, I came to the conclusion that all the creativity within shall be used for His purposes, and I was taking back to the very day I started this group, even then it was adamant for me to be doing what God wanted, but I was running.

NO MORE, or I won’t have to take my own life, He’ll do the work for me, and more than likely without warning, and I probably won’t be ready. My problem with surrendering was the fear that I’d live a boring life… as it is now, who cares! I say yes to His will hands down. Trust me, I won’t be missing anything, but the drama that was Neeeeeevvvveeerr good for me from the start.

I’m mad at myself for all the promises I’ve made in this group, but failed to fulfill… please forgive me. Starting tonight, that will change, the power moves that I’ll make for God will integrate the group. While locked away, I seen just how needed this group really is, but not in its dead state, that’s why I must get myself together, Soooooo this group will be what it’s intended to be.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)


19 thoughts on “Post from HCUMABH 2/19/14

  1. You are so special. To open your heart and share something so intimate, you are helping so many reading this seeing your bravery, giving them hope and courage to fight their daily battles. You are humble and modest, and may not be able to truly see the impact you are already having on the lives of many, but I pray you can feel it. I would love to help you with your upcoming project in any way possible. It takes a strong woman to admit her struggles, and you are very very strong.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Suicide kills the future plan God has for your life. Hang on to the belief that God is not through with you until He says you have finished His mission for you on earth. Thank you for the follow, dear heart. You may find helpful the book EMBRACED BY THE LIGHT, written by Betty J. Eadie.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I wanted to stop by and thank you for the follow and I read this story. I do not usually do this, but please go and read the post I wrote today. It has truly been life changing for me.

    I am so glad this is all over for you. I am glad because you have so much to give us. So much love to share with us. Every once in awhile we all need a hug from people like you, if it comes over a blog or one is right there with you.

    Never count yourself short. We all have a purpose in life, and one of those purposes is to share God’s love with others. A purpose you carry out so well. Love and God Bless, SR

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Woman! I KNOW your pain. I praise God you are here! You are here and you are sharing the blessing that is your life in Your Father. If those feelings arise in you again, Just know that I (and many other people) along with the Holy Spirit given to us by God- we are all interceding in prayer for your life and testimony to the Glory of God’s Eternal Kingdom!
    Your sister in Christ,

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I just saw your post for the first time. I think maybe cause you followed me, Tha k you for that. Your story is inspiring and a good read. It takes courage to post what you did.

    Most people don’t like to talk about depression, suicide, and mental health even though it affects many of us. I take medications for depression and anxiety myself.

    It’s even rarer to see these talks within the black community (especially for men) because you’re supposed to be seen as tough on your own or through God.

    What you experienced with your break up is not a feeling others have never felt. U have to channel these feelings to better avenues. You are still alive for a reason, you have something to bring to this world.

    Even if it was just this story you’re words inspire me to keep on truckin, but I’m sure yure destined for great things. Stay strong, believe and love yourself, always.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I just started reading some of your entries and when I read this, my heart went out to you AND I felt glad that you are trusting God to lead you where you need to go. You didn’t let me down at all. In fact, I got strength from reading about your strength here, which comes from your faith. Thank you for sharing that. (And the boring times are rest for the upcoming “excitement”!)

    Liked by 1 person

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