Day: June 6, 2015

I don’t have it in me to be strong today. I don’t have the ability to keep from crying, to hold back all the emotions that I’ve gotten so good at hiding.

I try not to let A see how sad I am. He is such a bright spot in my life and I just want him to be happy. I know he’s not happy when I’m sad. So I feel guilty for not being able to hold back my tears as he left for work.

I try to be strong, to keep pushing through despite the pain or emptiness (depending on the day). I try so hard just to ignore those feelings and keep going.

Today I woke up feeling suicidal. I thought if I could just cook a meal or spend a little time with A I would be okay. But I still feel miserable. Self-harm is sounding…

1. Are you introspective and hard on yourself?
2. Do you hunger for words of encouragement?
3. Do you carry guilt?
4. Do you think you need to be punished?
5. Do you nurture your failures with thoughts of increasing proportion?
6. Have you felt your contributions are useless?
7. Do you fluctuate between the emotions of great, personal importance to a deep self-pity?
8. Are you crying?
9. Are you often physically weary?
10. Are you wondering if God even cares?

As you look around, you see beautiful people, read successful stories, and listen to the laughter.  But all the wonderful things around you only seem to accentuate your lack.  Your despair.  Your life looks like the vacant field full of overgrown weeds or the discarded pile of lava rocks heaped at the end of a farmer’s field.  Your thoughts are dark, rain clouds with no chance of spring showers and a rainbow.

You might feel like you are…

Scary word, huh? No, I’m not suicidal and I hope I haven’t anyone among my friends that I see a lot that feels like that without giving me some kind of hint that they need help, or just want to talk. I seem to be that kind of person who people that feel a need to vent about their problems and sorrows turn to. Perhaps because I listen, or at least let them talk, until whatever is on their mind is out in the air and not just in their minds. Does it feel good? Do I feel like a better person because of it? Not really, not always at least. It can become a very heavy burden and something that can drain my energy levels incredibly much if I’m not prepared for it and can put up some kind of mental shield so I’m not taking it in on…