Da Ugly Ducklin – The Transparent Me 6/28/15 (Trial run – My first video trying out Vlogging)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1pFekDYJik

This is my first attempt at Vlogging, and it was in June… I never could get the videos uploaded, so I completely gave up. But, I started back a month and a half later, and those are the videos on the site that are still not as good as I would like for them to be. But, I feel confident that I’m finally doing what’s pleasing to God. Even though they’re choppy and some are too long, in my opinion. Nevertheless, it satisfies my charge from above.

To recap: I discussed my reasons for getting away from the whole psychological team of nitwits, and it’s simply because thy weren’t doing me any good whatsoever!!! In fact, I spoke out about two drugs specifically that I’m not to fond of at all, and that’s Trazodone, because it causes shortness of breath and makes me feels anxious, and as if I’m hyperventilating. And lithium simply because I’m worried about any medication that gives cause for my blood to be continually monitored SMH… Nope, I’m GUCCI!!!

To add, I don’t know how to put the fact that I see NO need for repetitive trips to see therapist and psychiatrist no clearer than I have, with so much seriousness to back… I mean it’s absolutely ridiculous to make all these appointments, in an effort to find the “NORM” as most people call it, to no avail. I’m through being toyed with!!! Together with God and the testimonies of overcomers I’m gonna master my care without fake anecdotes and meaningless couch conversations.

I mentioned the stabbing that gave rise to my arrest, that aided in my eventual psychological assessment and corrupt diagnosis. My daughter, her husband and I were on our way home from picking him (her husband) up from his granny’s house when I rode up on the worse scene I’d ever encountered. My husband, openly walking with a female, who I later found to be his mistress for several months prior… I literally lost my mind. How dare you!!! Right in the neighborhood we met and married in. That’s making a total mockery of me, seeing as how EVERYONE knows we’re married, and have been together for three years before this craziness, and you even have the audacity to flaunt her around, while still bringing me around your friends and family members, who obviously knew about your secret rendezvous. But, continued to smile in my face as if everything’s all well and fine… Some nerve SMH. Nevertheless, the whole ordeal plays out with me going with the police, him with the paramedics, and the floozy running away, at record speed, with my Tasmanian devil daughter in HIGH pursuit lol. That was a day I never wanna see again, and Prayerfully no one else has to ever experience.

Da Ugly Ducklin – The Transparent Me 7/21/15 (DAY 2)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zj4zIjuBvdg

I’m sooooooooo happy… God tells us to take the first step, out on Faith, towards any endeavor, and He’ll provide the INCREASE. I did just that, in spite of all my insecurities and uncertainties, and each video is getting better as I go.

To elaborate, the messages above refer to some hard times I experienced years ago while I was still a babe in Christ, and not at all able to properly rationalize, and almost lost my life because of it on several occasions.

Also, spoke about Miracle Man, a vessel for God who also ran from his calling, and underwent a detrimental mishap before totally surrendering, and is now disfigured for life.

I can’t believe I took this long to heed to His (God’s) beckoning, for me to open up in this way. I actually like it, and Prayerfully it’ll help as many people as possible, to heal, and also the feedback that I receive will enhance my healing process as well.

I love being able to expound on the GOODNESS of God, as in He as been ever so present and helpful in my life from day one. And even though I’m going through a trying time right now, I know undoubtedly that none of it is in vain, and I’ll reap the benefits soon enough if I faint NOT!!!

The Transparent Me (Day 1)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08eJh-gEfdk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKjnKUSBCns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HvuupFIKJk

This is the start of a new way I’m going to interact. I’ve been blogging for years, to no avail, and I earnestly believe that it’s meant for me to visually convey my messages. To be honest, it took me this long because I’m not happy with the way I look on camera. But, If God has a purpose for you, you’ll get it done, according to His Will eventually… No matter how long you run.

I don’t doubt that the reason I’ve been going through soooooo much is due to my procrastination and fear. “NO MORE”!!! I’m BAAAAAACCCCCKKKK, and I know I’ve said that many many times before, then I’ll fall away again… My apologies, trust me I’m full to the brim, and it’s about to spill over… Don’t believe me JUST WATCH 🙂 🙂 🙂

The face that Nooooooo longer wears a smile

I’m trying, Christ in Heaven knows I am!!!

I need a Word from my Father. Plllleeeeeaaaaassssseeee Daddy send me a message from on high. I know I need to still away in solitude, but there’s no where quiet enough to do this.

Daddy, send anyone to speak to me, and give me clear instructions of what I need to do. I’m not complaining perse. But, I’m in the dumps I can’t lie.

I surrender my all to You Lord, please send a breakthrough. Thank You Daddy for keeping us safe throughout the night. And we even had a bite to eat and were able to shower.

I’m just having a hard time being happy go lucky while experiencing all this. My bday is in six days and I’m sooooooo miserable… Nonetheless, I love You Lord and look forward to deliverance.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Ashes/Demons

This was four days ago, and I’m upset that I didn’t see it earlier. Nonetheless, I’m believing with all my heart of hearts that you’re just fine. Especially since you stated at the end of your post that you REALLY don’t want to die, that you’re just tired. But, more importantly, you have people you must live and be strong for. I’m happy to hear that they’re still meaningful enough in your life, that you’ll do away with those irrational thoughts immediately and NOT act upon them.

Sadly, in February 2014 even with 11 precious grand children, 4 wonderful children and a promising career in the Federal Government I still resulted to taking my life because I was tired. During that time, I had no desire to seek God for myself and rejected any other’s who wanted to intercede for me… I had enough, and couldn’t see anything positive ever becoming of my life at all.

I was living in Maryland at the time, and that was my first time ever going through this there and I learned rather quickly that I’d made the BIGGEST mistake ever… The law there is confinement, with no chance of leaving for a minimum of three days… Ooooooooohhh Nooooooo, I’ve got to go to work, they thought that was hilarious. To them, I was crazy and needed to be there… But, after a couple of hours of seeing that my friends and family did love and care about me was suffice for me… That was all I was initially longing for, and my Facebook message box, cell phone voicemail was packed instantly… But, I was locked away involuntarily… Thank God for one lady who realised that my not reporting to work would cause me to lose it and further intensify my my thoughts fit not wanting to live, and she talked the resident physician into taking a chance with me, and I haven’t looked back since. In turns, I started this blog and begin channeling all my spare time into helping my sisters and brothers all across the Nation diminish those ugly thoughts altogether… We merely need to grasp what it is we’re really in need of and pursue it, if possible, and if for whatever reason that’s not an option, then other alternatives are a must. But, suicide absolutely will NOT be the ultimate outlet under Nooooooo circumstances.

For you, I reiterate how I’m overjoyed at the fact that you have those SPECIAL people who are dear to you keeping your mind at bay. If you like, we can talk anytime… I’m here for you my luv.

https://funds.gofundme.com/mobile/dashboard?url=h2r43w

rocketstarr's avatarMy darkest hours.

My heart doesn’t feel heavy. It doesn’t feel anything as there is just emptiness as that is all the I am now. I am just an empty shell of the person I used to be. I don’t even remember who that person is anymore. I can’t remember what it feels like to feel something positive for more than twenty minutes. I just know the bad feelings, the emptiness and the darkness that is constantly surrounding me. Today I reached my lowest, today for the first time I started having thoughts about hurting myself. I thought about getting a handful of antidepressants, sleeping pills and painkillers and just swallowing them. Hoping that it would stop the pain.

Having thoughts like that… Thinking of harming myself and has never really been part of my illness. I’ve been and I am severely depressed but I have never thought about harming myself as I…

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R.I.P. Paulette “Passion” Williams-Murphy

Normally, this would be a time of sadness, mourning, grieving, and a lot of tears being shed. On the contrary, I’ll tell you firsthand… Let any tears that flow be ones of JOY, for this is a glorious time for anyone who experiences this type of death (DYING TO SELF). Where you take on the John 3:3-7 type of death and burial, which totally denounces the flesh and all its wicked desires all together.

Believe me, I’m haaaappppyyyy as a Lark, for I know it’s all uphill from here… Nooooooo good thing will God withhold from me now, because I took the initiative to put Him first and at the forefront of my life, and teach me how to Walk in newness, and I’m excited to proclaim the effects of the Holy Spirit living within and controlling my everyday activities is purely evident.

Thursday, I went to the nail salon, for beautification purposes, and my eldest daughter later joined me, and it was amazing to her how good I was doing upon her arrival and the farewell before leaving… Her jaws dropped, and she just had to say something, which made me even happier about my transformation… Her words were  “wow, I can’t believe what I just saw, maaaaannnnnnn you’re doing good lately, you’ve really changed”!!! That’s how it should be, I don’t have to run around hollering (I’m a Christian)… No indeed, it should be apparent, when people watch you, that God is working out your Salvation, and removing EVERYTHING that could ever inadvertently hinder your Walk.

See, she was use to me coming home with stories about me cursing an artist out, boutta fight somebody, or totally getting banned from the establishment… ” NO MORE “ all those negative attributes, characteristics, and ill personalities are finished… Just like Jesus himself declared as He took His last breath!!!

Ain’t Nooooooo stopping me now. Long lines in grocery stores can’t get me upset, hideous traffic no longer upsets me, people backbiting and gossiping about me can’t get me to respond… That old person, with all those chaotic ways is DDDDEEEEAAAADDDD!!!