Angry @ Myself

​I’m almost scared to write this. But, I can’t shake it til it’s totally outta MY system.

Nonetheless, I’m trynna figure out JUST what type of person I am that makes EVERY aspect of my life sooooo unbearable SMH.

I can’t keep friends, because I ALWAYS seem to be standoffish; afraid of being HURT. So, I purposely fail to give it my ALL grrrrrrrhhhhhhh.

Honestly, I believe I do the same thing when it comes to potential significant others as well, and if this same obnoxious pattern continues I’ll unnecessarily go to MY grave a disheartened loner (((TEARS))).

At a certain point in my life I came to grips with the fact that the only people I’m comfortable allowing close to me is my children and grandchildren, and I was OK with that until they all got grown and NOW have children, careers, mates and friends of their own, meaning time spent with me is little to none DAMMIT!!!

What do I DO now??? My career is secure and for the most part of 5-6 days in each week I’m steady working hard and the predicament don’t have room to bother me. But, the evening comes, just as it always will, and I find myself in a downtrodden stupor… Jesus please take the wheel!!!

I never knew what it was like to be jealous over somebody else stealing your friend from you and you inadvertently hating that person until my last babygurl became her own woman and I could NO longer force her to be my confidant. The very thing I long for… Attention, affection, CARE, concern, sympathy, empathy and Love.

My family has long life spans and I give myself at least another 48 years here, and I’m going to have to figure out ways to be happy with the fact that my babies are now happy with others geeeesssshhhhh!!!

I’m homeless, and nobody cares but God… Neeeeeevvvveeerr seen this day coming!!!

I had to steal this from my niece’s Facebook wall: “If someone sticks by your side through your worst times, they’re the ones who deserve to be with you through your BEST times.”

That’s sooooooo true and exactly what I needed to hear today. One of my daughters didn’t feel it necessary to come by for my visit to DC and I haven’t seen her or my granddaughter in a long time SMH.

My son said maybe three words to me, then went on about his life… Geeeesssssshhhhh!!! You talking bout tears… This thing is horrible.

My middle daughter said the most to me and ALL four of her babies brought out a great big ole smile on my face.

My oldest daughter came out to get her money and went on back to doing what she was doing… Wow this is like overkill!!!

I really looked forward to this day for about a week, thinking today would be the day we’d all make amends. But, I guess they’re better off without me. So, I’ll leave them be. I gotta come up once a month to grocery shop and I’ll just Pray each time that it eventually gets easier, and I don’t have to drive back so sad.

How in the world is this in God’s plan, not that I’m questioning His authority. But, I have no clue what in the world is going on, I can’t imagine life with absolutely Nooooooo family SMH… This can’t be real, and I Neeeeeevvvveeerr dreamed of being a parent who abandoned her children. But what do I do???

Da Ugly Ducklin – The Transparent Me 8/7/15 (DAY 19)

Today is FREE YOUR MIND FRIDAY

Woke up to car GONE… You talkin bout FURIOUS!!!

I lost the car“… Are you serious???

How your mates choice to indulge in illicit drugs creates unnecessary problems for the both of you.

Telling your grown children to live one way, but you settle for the things you’re trynna save them from… DOUBLE STANDARD

If you choose to put up with your mate… Don’t bagger them thereafter

Living with others is hard… Food issues arise, and everyone not buying household supplies… NOT FAIR

How my family is all of a sudden going through simultaneously SMH

My son’s up and coming rap career… My feelings about the uneasy content

How I want my children to get and keep my grandbabies before the face of God

How bad I want God to fall upon me on a daily basis… to help me serve Him correctly

We’re living in our last days… The signs are here… Get and/or keep yourself right in the eyes of God

My desires to be in full-time Ministry for the sake of my entire clan

Give God back His Word, He’s good to act on it, because He cannot and will not lie

Live a life of example in front of the youth around you, so that they’ll grow up successful

My husband trynna compare his wrongdoings with K2 to my old alcohol issues… Not the same!!!

Da Ugly Ducklin – The Transparent Me 8/6/15 (DAY 18)

WE CAN DO IT WEDNESDAY continued…

Worked ONLY 2 1/2 – 3 hours SMH

Don’t EEEEVVVEEEERRRR fake sick… It’ll definitely come back to bite ya in the rumpelstiltskin

Enraged at how my (thought to be) good deed was so insignificant… gggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Be careful dealing with banks, colleges, and I’ll go as far as to say that FAFSA is suspect.

Why am I still holding a FRAUDULENT check, nobody thought it to be serious enough to send anyone out… just horrible.

Day went left real quick… My manager went from 0 to 100 lol!!!

Get covered by the Union guys… They’re your safety net

Learn the rules about your rights to take off and leave work early multiple times in a specific time frame.

Da Ugly Ducklin – The Transparent Me 8/4/15 (DAY 16)

Today is TALK ABOUT IT TUESDAY

Master RESET again??? What the heck is going on with my phone… Hackers or nah?

Hair FINALLY on #fleek

Hubby back home SMH… I never got a chance to put him out and thank God I didn’t, because he’s WORKING yyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

  • More money
  • Move quicker
  • No K2 smoked… Thank You Daddy.

Feeling awfully strange in my spirit… Sum just ain’t right. Can’t pinpoint it yet, but I’m feeling sum type of way 😦 😦 😦

Trust God to run your marriage… Breadwinners are NOT in control.

Prayers pay off, again I reiterate that!

Never fight against mandatory change

Do what God says no matter the cost

Personal ad (Possible Disaster)

Testimony may lead to Tricky Tracking #

Da Ugly Ducklin – The Transparent Me 8/3/15 (DAY 15)

Today is MAKE EM SMILE MONDAY

Contradictory Vlog: Yesterday I stated we must love in spite of. Then, I turn right around and ditch my husband to sleep on the streets.

Ironically, I have every reason not to smile.

My daughter nearly died behind illicit drugs.

Misplaced anger towards my mother-in-law SMH.

The BREADWINNER can’t even get a decent meal???!!!

The effects of K2 on your marriage, family and life.

Get rid of your flesh, it destroys you and others you interact with.

Should you leave your spouse for indulging in drugs, simply because they’re irresponsibly still doing it, even after something bad has happened.