PRAYERS PLEASE… I’m sooooo tired of being sick and TIRED!!!

​PLEASE Pray for Me, it never fails yearly that things start happening bad for me around THIS month and BEFORE you know it, I’m suicidal and getting my fuckin stomach pumped full of black coal SMH. 

I use to think my job would stop the horrible feelings or at least KEEP me from acting on the thought enough NOT to take the pills, but even that NO longer helps. Then the circle of life and things happening with my children and grandchildren mimicking what I experienced ALL my life is terrible in and of itself grrrrrrrhhhhhhh.

I’m sooooo upset that My babies can’t catch a break, it’s ALWAYS something or someone reaping havoc in our midst and it’s absolutely tooooo MUCH to bear!!! And I refuse to believe that it’s ONLY a mental illness that operates on me exactly in the same window year AFTER year; if that were the case I don’t think I’d be able to pinpoint exactly what things that’s occurring to MAKE me go off the deep end EVERY time. Some times in life things CAN appear one way, but literally NOT be as bad as perceived. However, that’s anything but TRUE for ME at THIS moment. I real CAN put a FACE on EACH aggravating culprit and it’s sickening and becoming a really overwhelming bother.

Sooooo HURT 😩😥😫😲😔😖😪

EVERY since I was a child it seems like people ALWAYS seem to do me bad, and it crushes me the most because it’s the ones I DO the most for SMH!!!

God, please get me to a place where I’m NOT holding grudges, but basically not having to depend on anyone. And in the interim teach me how to assertively say NO!!!

I’m actually one of the most caring people you’d EVER wanna meet. But, it appears that people are so focused on themselves and their agendas to recognize and respect TRUE and loyal reciprocation.

I’m so angry, because it’s about to get cold again, and I seem to be GOING back to my car to sleep for an undetermined length of time, just to KEEP my sanity grrrrrrrhhhhhhh… Please Pray my strength!!!

Angry @ Myself

​I’m almost scared to write this. But, I can’t shake it til it’s totally outta MY system.

Nonetheless, I’m trynna figure out JUST what type of person I am that makes EVERY aspect of my life sooooo unbearable SMH.

I can’t keep friends, because I ALWAYS seem to be standoffish; afraid of being HURT. So, I purposely fail to give it my ALL grrrrrrrhhhhhhh.

Honestly, I believe I do the same thing when it comes to potential significant others as well, and if this same obnoxious pattern continues I’ll unnecessarily go to MY grave a disheartened loner (((TEARS))).

At a certain point in my life I came to grips with the fact that the only people I’m comfortable allowing close to me is my children and grandchildren, and I was OK with that until they all got grown and NOW have children, careers, mates and friends of their own, meaning time spent with me is little to none DAMMIT!!!

What do I DO now??? My career is secure and for the most part of 5-6 days in each week I’m steady working hard and the predicament don’t have room to bother me. But, the evening comes, just as it always will, and I find myself in a downtrodden stupor… Jesus please take the wheel!!!

I never knew what it was like to be jealous over somebody else stealing your friend from you and you inadvertently hating that person until my last babygurl became her own woman and I could NO longer force her to be my confidant. The very thing I long for… Attention, affection, CARE, concern, sympathy, empathy and Love.

My family has long life spans and I give myself at least another 48 years here, and I’m going to have to figure out ways to be happy with the fact that my babies are now happy with others geeeesssshhhhh!!!