150 Days… My uneventful night put the “I” in Ironic fah sho fah sho πŸ€©

Straight out the gate, it’s no secret the types of things I mainly expound on on all of my pages… Hell, to keep it a hunnid, I really don’t even post regularly, unless I’m desperately in need of Prayer and support. Well, what do you know smh πŸ€¦πŸ½β€β™€οΈ… Last night I had a #thingsthatmakeyougohmm moment for real… Where I thought I was dying, but was begging God to save me πŸ‘€πŸ‘€πŸ‘€. I was in and outta sleep and the pain was excruciating and I honestly thought I was vomiting up my liver 😩… And I only refer to that organ, because I remember when I was a really bad alcoholic, I was always fearful that God would punish me by giving me Cirrhosis of the liver, and I don’t know if it’s true or not, but people use to tell me that if you have Cirrhosis, that your liver can become so badly mangled and choppy, that you can actually regurgitate it up πŸ˜΅β€πŸ’«… Well, let me explain… I knew that the pieces of whatever it was that was coming up and out was absolutely huge each time… To the point where it was choking me, and nobody inna world could swallow regular normal food that big period. In my head I was dying fast, and remember my lil Peaceful place I purposely snuck off to live in… Off the grid, where nobody knows the address, shewww lawd… Honey child I was wishing upon a thousand stars that at least one person had slipped through the cracks and remembered my address, from back when I shared it during my travel and could please please please please please send help smh πŸ€¦πŸ½β€β™€οΈ. I’m sooooooo happy to have finally woke up and still had all my fingers, toes, vision, taste, sight etc… I was confused asf… Like wtf just happened 😳… Shoot my niece taught us all very well, how to masticate 100 times before we devour our food dammit… So, how in the heck did I have pounds (globs) of who knows what spewing up outta me like that???πŸ€”… I was thinking, perhaps you just had a complete outta body experience and none of it happen… Uhhhhhh, I would have believed that, except for the remnants of the night before were staring back at me, from my bedside garbage can, letting me know that the former and neither the latter were so. I had indeed went through pure hell earlier and the most important point and fact of it all, is that I literally thought I was dying, but was begging for God to please save me, and spare my life… You talking about a confused individual… I’m lost lost at this point.

I went ahead and did my workout, the whole time trynna make sense of the irony of it all… Thinking, hmm maybe you really want to see if good things will happen before the 150 Days dissipate, that will make all of the horrible thoughts go away. I was on board with that thought and I added, that the way I see me going out does NOT constitute all the pain, and I started thinking long and hard about that pain, and I’ve had 4 babies, but the pain I experienced last night toppled that times 3 smh πŸ€¦πŸ½β€β™€οΈ… It felt like I was having abdomen surgery without anesthesia, and it was simply my punishment, for allowing myself to fall back into this suicidal pitiful state of mind again, when you’ve been free of it since 2017. Another #thingsthatmakeyougohmm moment… Welp, it’s true that I haven’t gone as far as to act on my suicidal thoughts since 2017, and although that appears to be a celebratory point, on the face of it all, I think it’s important to realize that some of the worst things to ever happen to me, occurred well after 2017 and I remained strong and held on to the place I’m at now, where I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. TBH, I can admit that the other attempts were behind much more trivial things than what I’ve gone through since 2017, and I was determined not to go out weak, but to fight with everything in me and I have, unfortunately Covid-19 messed up a very good case that I had in the works, that appears to be stored away on the shelf; as if somebody’s livelihood don’t depend on a verdict, but who am I?

But, back to last night. I seriously think I was Praying to God, to spare me and explaining that it’s most certainly not my intention to neither make a mockery of Him nor give Him an ultimatum… I’m just hurting, confused, lonely, sad, miserable, devastated, in pain (literally), numb and mute for the most part smh πŸ€¦πŸ½β€β™€οΈ… It’s a heavy burden for me to go to my mailbox, brush my teeth, grease my hair, cook, bathe; and I’m a female, so God knows I’m down bad, as low as one can get πŸ₯²

The irony continues

For some time now, since I became overweight, I’ve purposely avoided mirrors, family photos and videos fah sho fah sho… But, mainly mirrors!!! Well, I had professional movers to move me in to my new home and I did all the paperwork electronically, without ever seeing my home beforehand… Covid-19 changed us and the dynamics of the way we move smh πŸ€¦πŸ½β€β™€οΈ… After the movers left I locked my door and messed around with some things in the living room and kitchen, before going to my bedroom… Omg, when I tell you I could have passed out… I’ve never seen anything like it… My entire closet is made of freekin mirror… And the movers set my darn bed up directly adjacent to it… There’s no effin escaping it πŸ€ͺ… And both of my bathrooms have damn panoramic mirrors… I’m like I’m doomed lol πŸ˜‚ lls 🀣 #bingbong can somebody send Joe Byron to help me πŸ₯° #gottalaughtokeepfromcrying

More irony smh πŸ€¦πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

Sooooooo, I stopped smoking cigarettes, where I’ve been smoking for 27 years and highly addicted, up to two and half packs per day… No exaggeration 😜… Wouldn’t you think that my breathing would be better during my workout sessions instead of worse πŸ‘€πŸ‘€πŸ‘€… Before, when I would work out and go smoke I could breathe just fine… Yes, I said I would finish working out, light a cigarette and breathe absolutely delightful… Today!!! I nearly died while on my aerobics bike… I’m like you gotta be kidding me… Am I cursed??? Wtf is really going on, that everything is in total reverse for me lately πŸ’£πŸ€©πŸ’ΈπŸ’°πŸ’΅… I don’t do well wit the unknowns and weird stuff happening… So yall Pray wit and for me… I live alone smh πŸ€¦πŸ½β€β™€οΈ and I scare easily lol πŸ˜‚ #loveyall #ThankYou #Prayer #JesusTakeTheWheel #family

#PaulettePassionWilliams #PauletteWilliams #shootahdcpassion #CertifiedSTEPPAH #putemonnashirt4Passion #pluckemoff4passion #pressemout4passion

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What Is Suicide Ideation And How To Help Someone Who Is Contemplating Ending Their Life

Suicide is a topic no one discusses in casual conversation. Some may argue that suicide is just part of life and we must accept people who kill …

What Is Suicide Ideation And How To Help Someone Who Is Contemplating Ending Their Life

Most certainly another good read… I give this a 8/10… Well put together, and I most deftly appreciate all the links, the only bad thing is, I know from experience; 14 different attempts to be exact… That not only will the suffering individual not care to take the time to look for any help through clicking links in blogs… They will purposely avoid being able to call 911 for help as well. But, what’s messed up, is the mere fact that family and friends will miss helping their so called “love ones“… Due to embarrassment smh πŸ€¦πŸ½β€β™€οΈ. Each time that I’ve gone through this, I’ve been surrounded by plenty of family who was so rapped up into the fun time that was going on wherever we were, to the point where I was seconds from being saved, only because someone’s bladder was about to explode and they needed the bathroom I had escaped into. At the beginning of this year, I moved nearly 4k miles away from all my family, and nobody knows the address… If it’s meant to happen this year I’ll know, because it’ll happen without fail 😩… Although I use to be so mad after I would wake up in the hospital, because I felt like my family just wanted me to continue to suffer and they were selfish asf. But, when good things were happening for me, I was undoubtedly thankful for them being able to save my life after all. #151daysleft #JesusTakeTheWheel

#shootahdcpassion #CertifiedSTEPPAH #putemonnashirt4Passion #pluckemoff4passion #pressemout4passion

Can’t sleep 😩

So frustrated smh πŸ€¦πŸ½β€β™€οΈ … Then to add insult to injury… There’s nuttin to watch on TV. Imma basket case, this has gotta stop dammit 😀

This insomnia is starting to affect the way I look, which has a detrimental impact on my ideation… Gotta pull myself together, but I’m clueless about the anecdote or remedy needed #notincontrol #outtacontrol #outofcontrol #desperate #please

#shootahdcpassion #CertifiedSTEPPAH #putemonnashirt4Passion #pluckemoff4passion #pressemout4passion

Watch “KILL SUICIDE NOT YOURSELF… SEEK HELP… PLEASE TALK TO SOMEONE… GOD GOT US… YOU ARE NOT ALONE” on YouTube

KILL SUICIDE NOT YOURSELF

Hey P-Duds,

Sooooo, I’m back again with another video πŸ“Ή πŸ“ΈπŸ“·πŸ“½οΈπŸŽžοΈ where I’ve fused together a couple of my beginning videos, from nearly 4 years ago, where I was introducing to you guys the PASSIONS that God laid on my heart, whilst showing me how He intends to use everything I’ve ever experienced in life, that I thought to be overly horrific, for His good. Now, I’m no professional at this editing thing smh, so you’ll see that the transitions are not as good as Warner Brothers and Paramount lol πŸ˜‚ πŸ˜‚ πŸ˜‚πŸ˜΅πŸ˜΅πŸ˜΅ 😲 😲 😲 but don’t judge me πŸ‘ŠπŸΏπŸ‘ŠπŸΏπŸ‘ŠπŸΏ#PERIODTT

In the videos, I’m discussing the app that I wanna some day implement, where one would actually be able to click into a live session with a Prayer Warrior, who’ll deter them from the final mistake of suicide and get their mind back on the right track, and help them realize that life actually IS worth living after all, because that’s exactly how I always feel days, weeks or months later, after an attempt, and I’m happily amongst family and enjoying every single ounce of everything different, that each one of them has to bring to my life, from the crazy dances that all my grandchildren do, to the funny clapbacks that show forth in hellah large family group texts, right on down to my oldest daughter, who everybody knows to be the most hilarious of us all #nocap, and her capabilities to mimic anybody on the face of this earth, and keep the entire room falling outta their chairs cracking their sides… Sometimes literally ⚰️⚰️⚰️⚱️⚱️⚱️nah, I’m just kidding, but Sus most certainly got dis comedian thing down pact.

But, more importantly, is the text I received about the 2 mothers, who both threw their babies from high places and then jumped themselves… That thing ran all through me and it just shows that suicide awareness and prevention is definitely necessary, and I gotta stop procrastinating, and get into gear, doing whatever I can to build Alone NO MORE, so that we’re readily available for all that’s in need.