Tag: marriage

Post from HCUMABH 12/2/13

Update: 5/16/15 We’re together and doing marvelous… Prayer deftly changes things!!!

I think my biggest hurt comes because I don’t have discernment, and I was totally wrong thinking that him coming back into my life after a ten years gap was a divine miracle, but this morning proves I was only fooling myself. I wanted it to work so bad I just didn’t care about any of the signs that showed me it wasn’t of God… I was just tired of being lonely.

I almost feel like being angry with God, even though I don’t walk upright before Him as regularly as I should, doesn’t mean I need to suffer like this… it’s embarrassing. I have my room door locked, so I know my family thinks I’ve been sleeping peaceful all night… but Lil do they know, this pain is probably one of the worst ones I’ve ever had to endure… narcotics couldn’t even knock me out.

The crazy thing though, I have friends and family members who can stay in relationships for years on end, and they won’t even attempt to seek the face of God… but I have Him at the forefront of my life, and repetitive break ups is my destiny.

Back when I was going through those years of suicide attempts, when I first started this group, trust me, it wasn’t because I was weak… because I know my worth, and I realize I CAN make it without a man financially… but that’s not the case… the point is I don’t want to!!! It’s hard going from watching t.v. with someone, cuddled up in their arms… y’all cracking your sides at the same time to the funny parts, or you both get teary eyed simultaneously… once that significant other is gone, t.v. is now a thing you hate… which causes a domino effect to occur, because now depression is working its way into your realm… SMH!!!

But, this is the kicker… although the problems were on and off between he and I, I purposely would over look them because I honestly believed our connection to be of God, since we married the first time in 1998, then again in 2000… calling ourselves renewing our vows, in an effort to have a new slate… in June 2003, God blessed me with a good job, that not only paid good, but it was interesting enough to aide in me being able to wean myself off of him, and there was absolutely no contact until March 2013, when I used this exact venue that I’m posting to right now to track him down, and the rest is self explanatory I guess!!!

Nevertheless, I still have to believe that God has a plan even in this pain I’m going through.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

by shootahdcpassion

Post from HCUMABH 2/26/14

GM Heartmenders 🙂

Prayerfully all is well with each of you, as for me, life couldn’t be better. NO, everything’s not perfect, but it don’t look like it use to and I have great expectations for the days to come. Starting today, I’ve decided to wholeheartedly TRUST God with my entire life, more than I did in the past. Before, I somewhat gave Him my all, but it was too easy for me to stray. This time around, I’m SOLD OUT, NO turning back, and my desire is to take each one of you with me, as I journey through life in peace and harmony… secure in my mind that God and the heavenly bodies are with me and won’t allow any of US to dash/gash our foot against a stone.

Am I promising you a problem free life going forward? No indeed!!! In fact, I’ll honestly tell you that trials are destined to occur. But, know that is the evidence that we’re walking the straight and narrow… just be sure NOT to deviate. Yes, temptations will rise and you may FALL short, it’s normal my love, just don’t waller in it… immediately get back up, REPENT, and grab our Father’s hand and proceed on.

Each day, before your feet touch the ground, make it a habit to Thhhaaannnkkk God for new life, invite Him into your day, and ask Him to guide and guard every part of your being, and place a covering over your love ones. Then, move into action, allowing Him to have his way with you, of course, follow your routine as normal, taking care of your hygiene and diet, still exercise if you always did, make all your same phone calls and go on to work. The only difference is your quiet conversations with God, that helps you with decision making. For me, I have a spending problem, that arises even more so when I’m bored or sunken… that changes today, as I walk in any store from now on, my prayer will be “Daddy, You know what I need, anything is of no importance, so don’t let me spend unnecessarily”. Likewise, ask Him to aide in your life, in whatever area you struggle. To add, find a point when you open up to be used by Him, for His purpose… just say “Daddy, You’ve been Soooooo good to me and mine, now direct me to do something for You; it’s my pleasure to serve”.

Fam, I know I never finished the series I started about intriguing your man… my bad!!! But, who knows if that was the correct message for me to convey, maybe God will take us back to it or He may lead us somewhere else totally… just be patient with me and enjoy the ride… as always, I love you all to pieces 🙂

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

by shootahdcpassion

Post from HCUMABH 1/19/14

I’m back… at work and can only write during breaks, so bear with me.

Nonetheless, back to what I was conveying earlier; before I jump back to it, I wanna give you some history.

When this group evolved some nearly five years ago, I was probably worse off than I am now and surely didn’t think I’d live to see myself be the supportive individual that God allowed me to soon become, and I say soon, because we (HCYMABH) are about to excel.

Back on the very day I sat at my computer and formulated this group, I had no idea what I was doing, and just how it would even turn out, and even with all my slack, I can proudly say we’re 2k strong, and I look forward to us growing in leaps.

However, the day I spoke about was the day I was released from a mental institution, and actually my first time ever attempting suicide, I couldn’t believe that was the route I took, considering I always thought I could conquer anything. The way I was living my life, back then, you would’ve thought I was in jail for homicide vs me being the victim.

Long story short, after leaving, I still wasn’t feeling up to par, so I looked for support groups in my area to help me cope, but nothing was local, so I searched online to no avail. Then God dropped it in my spirit to start my own… I did and here we are. Except I haven’t been faithful to the group, and that’s none other than a trick of the enemy, who caused me to get sidetracked, by sending temporary relationships my way, to keep me from ever getting the good news out to everyone. But, all that’s out the window now… I’m back focused. But, I’ll have to come back later again, breaks over… but do keep a look out for the following posts, because it’s bout to get juicy… stay tuned.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

by shootahdcpassion

Post from HCUMABH 6/9/14

GE HCYMABH MEMBERS,

No doubt, I’m ok with allowing God to mend my broken heart, because I know He’ll be genuine in His acts towards me, Neeeeeevvvveeerr wavering in kindness and support and the sadness some people make me feel at times wouldn’t EVER occur with Him. However, what gets me angry, upset and confused is the fact that I’m not able to treat the hurtful people the way they treat me… The flesh side of me wants to be like Rick Ross (God forgives but I don’t) but I’m too afraid of God’s wrath.

He helped me realize FFFFIIIIIRRRSSSSTTTT that I shouldn’t retaliate against the people, because it’s NOT actually them who’s treating me unkind, but rather the adversary is working through them, in an effort to keep me sidetracked from ALL the things I’ve been called to do for Him… see the dumb devil knows it’s about to go down, and many, once again, will change their wicked ways, and come to Christ wholeheartedly, JUST by keeping in close proximity to me… Soooooo, he thinks by reaping havoc unnecessarily between us will complicate OUR relationship to the point that my witness will be of NO effect… NOT!!! Dumb is ya Lucifer 🙂

That just makes me PRAY harder, and the more I seek God on the issue, the faster chains are BROKEN, generational curses diminish, pain and heartache disappear, and family orientation is strengthened… dummy, you’re on notice, TODAY, I am a child of God and always will be, NO MORE falling by the wayside… I’m grounded and rooted… And everything God has for me and mine shall come to pass!!!

How can I mend my broken heart… easy, through continual Prayer and supplication… you have no place here… therefore, return to the pits of hell, WHERE you belong… while Weeeeeeeee move forward in total Salvation… (((TOODLES)))

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

by shootahdcpassion

Post from HCUMABH 9/1/12

At one point, I would spend countless hours analyzing myself, trying to figure out what was wrong internally, that caused constant problems in my relationships.

I will admitt, I like all others have flaws, and I can tend to be a bit dominate at times. But, to repeatedly meet with disappointment is ridiculous, and I haven’t a clue what the issue is.

While reflecting on myself, I considered my physique to be the primary culprit. So, I got my weight in tact, and happiness re-kindled. But, before long he was gone again. Then, I assumed it had to be my overbearing demeanor. So, I took on the back-seat occupant role of the relationship for a while, and I let my mate drive us for some eight miserable months; to no avail. Let me tell you, that obnoxious ordeal was short lived, and I eventually found myself by myself, and really contemplating suicide.

After a while, I began asking God if He ultimately wanted me alone, because He had other plans for my life. But, I can’t see that being the predicament, because He made woman from and for man… Which indicates that there IS somebody out here for me. I’m just missing the mark somehow.

To sum it all up, I’m not living in this realm of confusion by my lonesome, and I’m asking for input, so that we, who are hurt, can come out of our emotional bondage, and find TRUE happiness. Don’t be shy, we can all benefit from each others testimonies.

#TEAMHOWTOMENDMYBROKENHEART

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

by shootahdcpassion

I give myself away

“I give myself away”

William McDowell – I Give Myself Away:

https://youtu.be/O7ofQmeao9I

New dedication, new mindset, new task, and onward for Christ Jesus!!!

Last I posted, I was steadfast on the fact that I was waiting for and believing God, against all odds, for a breakthrough in my once chaotic relationship, and that my ex would eventually call, and we’d be miraculously reunited.

Without fail, God gave me my hearts desire, because that’s one of His promises, in His Holy Word, and He’ll never disappoint. Easter morning the phone rang, and I purposely held my composure, to not let him know that I was anxious to hear from him, we talked, and hooked up later that evening. You won’t believe it was a complete disaster!!!

Now, I could’ve been angry with God, asking what kind of games are You playing, it wasn’t suppose to turn out that way. But, I kept an open mind, and looked at it all from a different perspective. I was the one begging for this, so God did in fact Bless in my favor. But, that had absolutely nothing to do with the way my ex was feeling about us, and God could’ve very well changed his heart throughout the course of the day, to make him be receptive and approachable during our rendezvous. But, God is gentle and won’t even force us to do right by Him, make less force any of us into a relationship we’re not interested in pursuing.

With all that said, I just knew after parting ways with him that I’d sink into the deepest depression I’d ever experienced… Nope, total opposite! God gave me the presence of mind to thank Him for the opportunity, grab my phone and block communication, and carry on with the work He has lined up for me to perform. Not one tear fell, I actually got an instant burst of energy, as if I were renewed through and through.

Immediately, I came to the realization that my ex’s job in my life was finished, he had done what God needed him to do, and that was to bring me back into full knowledge and association with Him. God has ways of getting our attention, and my ex was purely the conduit that kept me on my knees and ever before the face of God crying out for direction and deliverance from the mess I had once again entangled myself in.

Believe it or not, all are not intended to be married, it is written. So, I’ve relinquished all to God, telling Him until He sees fit for me to be with someone, I’ll remain His servant, and happily work on His battlefield without contempt. I surrendered my all to Him, to use me as He pleases, knowing deep in my heart that happiness will follow my endurance, if I faint not.

by shootahdcpassion

Doing it God’s way

Without Faith, it’s impossible to please God… Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen!!!

Starting today, I change the way I look at, declare & decree, and Pray about my ex and relationship. “NO MORE” will I act and react in the natural, as it relates to how I feel about what I’m experiencing, and continue to sabotage my Blessing.

No matter how it actually is, (not calling, probably being unfaithful, and not even thinking about me as I am him) those things won’t determine how I respond.

Imma child of God, and No good thing shall He withhold from us who walk upright before Him. But, I can’t be double minded though, once I get frustrated, change my Prayers and ask God to take the very thought of him outta my mind, knowing that’s not how my heart actually feels… I’m the one losing and crushing myself ultimately.

I’m believing with all my heart of hearts that God formed our bond from the start and had always been well pleased with the works He performed, but our insecurities, fears, lack of communication and wrongdoings wedged repetitive blocks between us. Nevertheless, we’re not too damaged for God to reconnect… What God joins together, let NO man put asunder.

No, God won’t force our ex’s to be with us, just to heal our broken hearts, if they’re happier where they’ve moved on to. But, if there’s at least one iota of hope within, He begins the process of reunification and before long happiness is in the air again.

I tried old boyfriends and social dating to no avail, and that’s minutely because my true feelings are to him and I would’ve only used the other guy as a pawn anyways and that’s not fair to them nor Godly. So, I’m glad it failed. I’m doing this with every glimmer of hope and I’ll be sure to keep you all abreast along the way. God Bless… Love ya

by shootahdcpassion