The Transparent Me (Day 1)

This is the start of a new way I’m going to interact. I’ve been blogging for years, to no avail, and I earnestly believe that it’s meant for me to visually convey my messages. To be honest, it took me this long because I’m not happy with the way I look on camera. But, If God has a purpose for you, you’ll get it done, according to His Will eventually… No matter how long you run.

I don’t doubt that the reason I’ve been going through soooooo much is due to my procrastination and fear. “NO MORE”!!! I’m BAAAAAACCCCCKKKK, and I know I’ve said that many many times before, then I’ll fall away again… My apologies, trust me I’m full to the brim, and it’s about to spill over… Don’t believe me JUST WATCH 🙂 🙂 🙂

Advertisements

Haaaappppyyyy Father’s Day… And this is NOT gender specific!!!

Quite naturally fathers are referring to men, males & daddys. But, I most certainly have to acknowledge all my ladies WHO have and still are playing both roles… Myself included.

We’re upstanding individuals too… I feel that I did and is still doing a magnificent job at raising all four of my babies by myself, in the earthly realm. Of course my Daddy has ALWAYS and forever will have my back… Showing me the proper way to act and react towards and in front of them.

Teaching me how to cook healthy meals, encourage and help them education wise, and to show love and compassion during their hard times.

Not to mention all the times my Father has miraculously made ways for us when we seen Nooooooo waaaaaayyyyyyy. Short on food, here comes a lady at my door that I didn’t ask to help us out, and brought several bags of groceries. Broke down on steep mountains… Here comes my nephew, who should have been going in the other direction, to give us emergency gas… Again someone I didn’t call SMH.

He’s wonderful, and us parents in whole are toooooooo… Therefore, everyone enjoy your day… Tell your babies you love them 🙂

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Spoiled rotten… From sourpuss to smilitis!!!

I just love my Daddy sooooooo much… I haven’t stopped smiling since this morning, and the Blessings aren’t ceasing either.

This bday girl is getting jazzed up already… I feel and look so gorgeous, and to think, just a couple of days ago my life was in shambles SMH.

My Father is so wonderful to me that I feel like an ONLY child. I’m walking into my victories slowly but surely, and I’m loving every second of it. I’m so glad I didn’t get all bent out of shape when I was going through, and denounce my Faith… Look at what was waiting for me at the end of the tunnel.

Father God in Heaven, I love You and thank You for all You’re doing now, have done in the past and mostly for all the things lying in wait in my future… Have Your waaaaaayyyyyyy in my life and keep total control. Lead, guide and direct me every step of the way. I entrust my entire being to You, because You’re better to me than I’ve ever been to myself.

These mere words could never express my gratitude for all You have done and are still doing for me and mine!!!

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Naughty, naughty, naughty; watch out now… He’s watching!!!

Surely everyone readied themselves to read about how God is Omnipotent, Omnipresent, and Omniscient… Of course, He’s all those and more, and the aforementioned is reason enough to love Him dearly the way I do.

But, let me tell you how bad I messed up today. My husband, who’s NOT a Christian, but has been going through this chaos with me over the past three days got the worst of me ever this morning, and although I apologized wholeheartedly, he’s still LITERALLY lookin at me sideways, and rightfully so.

Regardless of what has impacted our lives, we MUST never allow the enemy to get us that angry through another person, and it’s true, my husband probably did deserve the wrath he received, because the things he was saying was totally obnoxious, hurtful, rude, condescending… The whole gist, I mean he so much as called me trifling for us going through what we were, and that sent me fire mad.

Now, God says be angry but sin NOT… Can someone Plllleeeeeaaaaassssseeee HHHEEEELLLLPPPP me understand what we’re to do in a split second… When someone is kicking you while you’re already down so to say!!!

I put emphasis on “he’s watching” because the look on his face after the outlandish explosion, came from me, was as if he had seen a ghost, and he really hasn’t uttered a word since… It makes me laugh, to myself, to see him kind of fearful of me… I doubt that seriously. It’s just pure shock, and that’s my point! Our families, coworkers and unsaved acquaintances expect better from us.

For real, we’re the ONLY God they see and know. But, if we act like that, what’s the reason for salvation… Let’s go family… I need feedback today!!!

I’m so angry at myself, even though he looks like a scared lost puppy and it makes me snicker… Forgive me Daddy!!! It’s NOT one bit funny, and mind you I deftly repented.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

He did it as ALWAYS… Prayer changes things!!!

After work, Nooooooo more going back to the car… We are officially off the streets, and I have every Prayer warrior to thank for standing with me in my most vulnerable and desperate time of need.

You guys helped me remain calm and keep the Faith… I live in a rough neighborhood, where generally it’d be dangerous to even walk to your car at night to retrieve something. Make less sleeping there over night SMH. But, God allowed His angels to protect us all three nights and we had no fear whatsoever!!! To add, we had peaceful rest, and as hard as it may be to believe, we were actually comfortable… No cramps and pains when waking up the next morning.

That just shows God is a keeper, no matter what you go through, you won’t look like it at all. Nobody on my job could even tell I was at my worst, because God kept me contained just as if I had a home to go to ask three nights… He’s wonderful.

Where we’re going, we’ll be on the living room floor. But, it ain’t outside, and for that Lord I thank You. And the best part about it is we get to properly save for our own, that’s the Blessing of it all… When people are displaced, if you’re gonna help them with shelter temporarily, allow them to stay free, so that the money they would’ve paid you can be set aside for their moving expenses. And you’ll get a Blessing for being generous.

I end this post the same way I started it… Haaaappppyyyy in the Lord and most thankful for my deliverance and a new plan of action for me. I will be focused, determined and saving like crazy, and should be posting a Praise report about my new home rather quickly… Thanks guys, words can’t even express my gratitude… Enjoy your day.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

The face that Nooooooo longer wears a smile

I’m trying, Christ in Heaven knows I am!!!

I need a Word from my Father. Plllleeeeeaaaaassssseeee Daddy send me a message from on high. I know I need to still away in solitude, but there’s no where quiet enough to do this.

Daddy, send anyone to speak to me, and give me clear instructions of what I need to do. I’m not complaining perse. But, I’m in the dumps I can’t lie.

I surrender my all to You Lord, please send a breakthrough. Thank You Daddy for keeping us safe throughout the night. And we even had a bite to eat and were able to shower.

I’m just having a hard time being happy go lucky while experiencing all this. My bday is in six days and I’m sooooooo miserable… Nonetheless, I love You Lord and look forward to deliverance.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Homeless, heart heavy, mind confused and eyes pouring with tears!!!

This Ministry is POWERFUL and the devil is so fearful that he really caused me to sleep on the streets last night, and I’m still going forward with and for Christ!!!

Because he did that, God is simply going to give me something better, and it’ll be mine!

I’m human, and it’s hurting me; so the tears are natural… It in Nooooooo way states that I don’t believe God will come through for me. I know He’s setting everything in order right now.

Moreover, I’m thankful I still have my job and transportation… Eating is a little rough, but that too will change.

When I was just a babe in Christ, a renowned preacher by the name of Juanita Bynum gave her testimony about getting close to God and doing His will and having the adversary take her through brutal changes time after time. But, she held fast to Christ and continued on regardless. That’s the only thing I can see as the reason so many horrific things are coming against me. The fact that God laid it on my heart to start this Ministry.

The devil wants to make sure I have not only no stable place to diligently work with the Ministry, but also make my own personal life sooooooo chaotic that I can’t even think straight enough to put anything together SMH.

I won’t give up, if it means using public Wi-Fi spots to do all the things necessary, I’m willing to do it. Only what we do for Christ will last. God always takes what the devil plans for bad and turns it into a magnificent Blessing in our lives… When I’m weak He’s then strong for me… I will survive this and it’s merely another portion of the testimony God is giving me.

Stand with me in Prayer… Thanx bunches!!!

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

It’s me, it’s me it’s me Oh Lord… Standing in the need of Prayer

WARNING: Before you say I do in marriage, there’s all types of counseling sessions couples can take part in, and if it’s equivocally decided that they’re NOT a match, the two can part ways, and on to the next!!!

On the contrary, once you’re called by God and, you take the initiative to totally surrender your all to Him; and even go a step further and say “use me Lord, till You use me up” watch out there!!! Lucifer and his imps are instantly on a prowl, and they’re coming full throttle… Nooooooo doubt!!!

These past couple of days have been horrific… But God!!! I kept saying this can’t be real… I’ve overcome all this. As a matter of facts, God is currently using me to head up a ministry that speaks against the very likes of this shenanigans SMH… The tricky monster almost had me… Need NOT I elaborate more. Just know he’s not crafty enough. God will use any conduit available to turn that thing around, and He certainly did. Hallelujah!!! I’m still here 🙂 🙂 🙂

Better late than never… I will be posting the dates and times for the small group, regarding Alone No More this week for sure!!! No matter how many fiery darts he sends my way, it won’t stop God’s mission.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Failed Suicide Attempt Brings Entire Family To GOD… Next tragedy leaves man blind and DISFIGURED for life.

All my life, throughout EVERY attempt I’ve ever made, I’ve been in close proximity to artillery, but was always to scared that I’d mess up and end up a vegetable and a burden on my children. This very last time in February 2014 I was hurting so bad that if I had a gun close by I would have used it. But, God makes no mistakes… Normally I only get storage bins with 24 hr. access. But, this particular company I was with closed their gates at nine. I was furious at the time, because I simply didn’t wanna be here any longer, and didn’t want the wait time that came with overdosing, and figured the gun shot would be quick and easy. Obviously that wasn’t then, and never will be part of God’s Mighty plan for my life.

Thank God for this family though, that a wonderful outcome resulted from what the father went through. In the end they ALL serve God together. He really got transformed while still in the hospital. His wife bares witness to the fact that he would write notes pointing his family to Christ amidst his pain. And even more, he’s ABSOLUTELY drug free… God is phenomenal!!!

What upsets me the most about this tragedy is the fact that he not only lost his sight, but he’s disfigured for life and has no real love ones around regularly for support. For me, every attempt was an attention seeker, and this last attempt showed me just how much my family and friends truly did love me. They were responsive very quick and remained supportive throughout my hospital stay and for some time afterwards too. They called the hospital back to back, it’s four of them, seeking updates on my status and possible discharge arrangements. Even though I was saddened that I ha scared them so bad, in the same token. I was happy that they finally exemplified the love and attention that I was crying out for. I was totally lonely and needed them badly. But, they were too busy with their own affairs. Believe it or not, the close relationship we developed after the attempt was short lived so to say, because they’ve returned to their old ways of putting me second to last. But, it in no way affects me like before. I’ve come to grips with the fact that they now have their own affairs to tend to, and I have God and Jesus right by my side, and I’m perfectly alright. As with the man in this video, he says he’s ok with the fact that no one comes around, at least he has a better life then before.

Alone No More wants to stop attempts from happening at all, by being available 24/7 and right at the tip of any in need’s fingertips. We wanna Pray with them, and express our testimonies, in an effort to deter the thought altogether. Please donate and share the gofundme link… Thanx bunches

http://www.gofundme.com/h2r43w

Reach Out Before You Act. You Matter.

She was sooooooo beautiful, and also the encouraging words you spoke to anyone who may be suffering from any form of shame, bullying, heartbreak, disrespect, hurt or the likes. She was young and it’s hard to believe she was fearful that something she mistakenly shared online would haunt her later in life… Perhaps she shared a pic revealing too much, even if somebody was being mean and circulated it. It would’ve died down in weeks, at most two months… But, so much other stuff is going on these days on social media that her little mishap would fall to the back burner rather quickly.

You want to control your teen as far as social media is concerned and rightfully so… I mean most of the craziness that teens find themselves in the mix of generates first through one of the social media sites. Nonetheless, girls in whole love their hair… Me and my daughter’s are always saying, when we don’t have new clothes for an outing or special occasion that long as our hair is nicely done we’ll look and feel fine. But, this baby had to stand and look at her pride and joy on the floor SMH… This is still no reason to criminally charge the father though… Even though I’m angered by his outlandish choice of punishment.

To add, long beautiful hair in fact means a lot to girls/women, but I’m sensing it was a multitude of things that drove this Lil sweetheart to do what she did… I’d love to see her last eight letters, just to get a better idea of EXACTLY what the final straw was that broke the camel’s back, and figure out in advance ways that Alone No More will help anyone with her same issues.

My deepest condolences to the family.

https://funds.gofundme.com/mobile/dashboard?url=h2r43w

Midwestern Mom's Musings

Like many of you, I heard the story about the school girl who jumped off a bridge and killed herself. Initial stories said she was upset about a shaming punishment her dad gave her. Other stories piled on reasons for her actions: she had been bullied in school, she hadn’t been allowed to run for student council.

This report clarifies that all these reasons were wrong. According to authorities, she left several notes explaining why she was going to kill herself. It seems she was ashamed of things she had done and said on social media; she thought one thing in particular was going to follow her for the rest of her life.

http://fox2now.com/2015/06/10/police-reveal-reason-girl-jumped-from-bridge-no-charges-expected/

My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide. There is no one to blame or shame. This is just an opportunity to share.

When you look at the big picture…

View original post 69 more words

Crisis Text Line helps teens across nation

Like Alone No More, this national program has analyzed technology and realized that the mediums that are widely used these days are face-to-face interactions (face time, ovoo, and Skype) to name a few. Text messaging, which they’ve intelligently integrated and is seeing that it’s working well, kudos to you guys. And also, apps on mobile devices (kindles, iPads, tablets and cellular phones) are also easily accessed and widespread… That’s why Alone No More will couple the app and face-to-face interactions together. Allowing the hurting person to instantly tap into a live supporter, who will talk to them, Pray for them and guide them to resources necessary to bring them back to a place of stabilization.

As this program admits at the end of their posts, that the people who are assisting the people who’s benefiting from their services are NOT therapists. But, rather they’re helping in the same manner we intend to, just by different, yet similar methods.

Regardless of the tactic, this is further evidence that hurting people need and want help, and prefer not to actually go in to a hospital or even a private office with doctors and other forms of trained professionals. They’d like it better if they can text or link through an app. Therefore, please donate and share this link… Help us come together to help others.

https://funds.gofundme.com/mobile/dashboard?url=h2r43w

Ashes/Demons

This was four days ago, and I’m upset that I didn’t see it earlier. Nonetheless, I’m believing with all my heart of hearts that you’re just fine. Especially since you stated at the end of your post that you REALLY don’t want to die, that you’re just tired. But, more importantly, you have people you must live and be strong for. I’m happy to hear that they’re still meaningful enough in your life, that you’ll do away with those irrational thoughts immediately and NOT act upon them.

Sadly, in February 2014 even with 11 precious grand children, 4 wonderful children and a promising career in the Federal Government I still resulted to taking my life because I was tired. During that time, I had no desire to seek God for myself and rejected any other’s who wanted to intercede for me… I had enough, and couldn’t see anything positive ever becoming of my life at all.

I was living in Maryland at the time, and that was my first time ever going through this there and I learned rather quickly that I’d made the BIGGEST mistake ever… The law there is confinement, with no chance of leaving for a minimum of three days… Ooooooooohhh Nooooooo, I’ve got to go to work, they thought that was hilarious. To them, I was crazy and needed to be there… But, after a couple of hours of seeing that my friends and family did love and care about me was suffice for me… That was all I was initially longing for, and my Facebook message box, cell phone voicemail was packed instantly… But, I was locked away involuntarily… Thank God for one lady who realised that my not reporting to work would cause me to lose it and further intensify my my thoughts fit not wanting to live, and she talked the resident physician into taking a chance with me, and I haven’t looked back since. In turns, I started this blog and begin channeling all my spare time into helping my sisters and brothers all across the Nation diminish those ugly thoughts altogether… We merely need to grasp what it is we’re really in need of and pursue it, if possible, and if for whatever reason that’s not an option, then other alternatives are a must. But, suicide absolutely will NOT be the ultimate outlet under Nooooooo circumstances.

For you, I reiterate how I’m overjoyed at the fact that you have those SPECIAL people who are dear to you keeping your mind at bay. If you like, we can talk anytime… I’m here for you my luv.

https://funds.gofundme.com/mobile/dashboard?url=h2r43w

My darkest hours.

My heart doesn’t feel heavy. It doesn’t feel anything as there is just emptiness as that is all the I am now. I am just an empty shell of the person I used to be. I don’t even remember who that person is anymore. I can’t remember what it feels like to feel something positive for more than twenty minutes. I just know the bad feelings, the emptiness and the darkness that is constantly surrounding me. Today I reached my lowest, today for the first time I started having thoughts about hurting myself. I thought about getting a handful of antidepressants, sleeping pills and painkillers and just swallowing them. Hoping that it would stop the pain.

Having thoughts like that… Thinking of harming myself and has never really been part of my illness. I’ve been and I am severely depressed but I have never thought about harming myself as I…

View original post 327 more words

Homeless man thanks state trooper who talked him out of taking his own life

So glad to have been led to this, obviously by the Holy Spirit, who is helping me regain my courage to move forward with Alone No More.

Yes, this officer was trained “deescalation skills” but in no way does it mention he possesses a degree, license or certificate of any kind… Merely, his EXPERIENCES of working on the force, and witnessing such situations as like that or worse helped him be able to talk the man away from his previous decision to jump from the bridge.

All you gotta have is a pure heart of love and a connection with God in order to successfully do exactly what this officer did.

Alone No More will certainly have to make it known upfront and or beforehand that SOME individuals that may assist have no credentials whatsoever and are simply caring servants of God who’d like to Pray for you and talk to you about the help they received spiritually and resourcefully… Because we will also have a list of local agencies per city/state who offer necessitated services.

I’m doing it guys… I’ve come too far with this in my heart, and I’m confident that God is well pleased with me adhering to His call, and He’s gonna Bless this ministry like never before.

Please share this link and donate at least $1, to help with this well needed ministry coming together… Thanx in advance!!!

https://funds.gofundme.com/mobile/dashboard?url=h2r43w

BringMeTheNews.com

Here’s a story to warm your heart from the Minnesota State Patrol.

You might associate the State Patrol with responding to crash scenes, stopping drunken drivers, and pulling over speeders, but the job also requires troopers to show compassion to those in distress.

Trooper Shaun Leschovsky was on routine patrol in Minneapolis on Feb. 20 when he was called to reports of a suicidal homeless man at Washington Avenue by the Interstate 35W intersection.

He spoke with the man, providing whatever reassurance he would and promising him that he would get him some help. Help then arrived in the form of an ambulance to take the man to Region’s Hospital.

He continued on with his shift, according to the State Patrol’s Facebook page, and might have thought that was the end of it, but a few weeks later he bumped into the same man while at Bobby & Steve’s Auto World and…

View original post 175 more words

Backlash… Shaking in my boots… Now what???????

Last night was a hot mess, and I’m angered that I allowed myself to be bullied like I did SMH!!!

But, I was driving, it was hard and illegal to text the reply, and I promised myself andwith that I’d be quick to listen, slow to speak and surely slow to anger, if ever. Then I remembered I can be angry… So long as I sin NOT. Which means I have to confront this wisely, not apologetic for the things I’m boutta go in about; I just gotta be respectful… Now, here goes nuttin!!!

Alone No More is a ministry that God inspired me to form, due to the struggles I endured and eventually overcame, with His love, support and HHHEEEELLLLPPPP. The ministry will offer assistance to those contemplating suicide, but at Nooooooo time will any who’s not qualified with state provided licenses or other credentials ever claim to be a professional in that realm… But, I gotta say that one don’t always have to have a degree to counsel another, because several people in my Church that counsels regularly has Neeeeeevvvveeerr walked through the doors of a university, that’s why I emphasized “in that realm” to magnify the fact that my experiencing their trauma firsthand and being delivered from it umpteen times, surely I gathered lessons and walked away each time more wiser than when it began beginning some 13 years ago.

Of course, to keep in line with state requirements, guidelines, rules and regulations, I’m sure I’ll have to display, and if verbal audible disclose that everyone the interested parties work with aren’t tainted professionals, but it’s THEIR choice to accept Prayer from a person who doesn’t have a degree… It just sounds so ridiculous if we have to do that, and I’m not even sure if I’ll have to. But, her comment last night just has me thinking of all the things we may encounter, and it’s better to have it occur now, before we’re fully online and working incorrectly with God’s people.

I can clearly understand the part about letting everyone know we’re not doctors or trained therapists… Gotcha!!! But, since when is wrong to Pray with receptive adults… Now, on my page it does state that God will use me to help people, and before getting this message last night I’d hoped He would… I just think my experiences and Godly knowledge should be sufficient… But, I don’t wanna mislead anyone or risk criminal or civil litigation.

I sure hope some who either have this same type of ministry would reply and let me know my constraints and limitations if any… Just so I’ll feel better. No doubt, even if I can’t interact with the hurting directly, that won’t stop the implementation of the Ministry… Nooooooo indeed!!! It ain’t about me, it’s about hurting people getting the love, care, concern and compassion they so need and desire!!!

I can’t believe I punked out last night though… Nah, I’m kidding I know I handled it well, and I’m fully prepared for more opposing people who will criticize my Vision and even express, yes it’s for a worthy cause, but never attempt to do something different their way, however, it don’t matter, just so help is provided.

Can’t wait to publish this… I’m anxious to know just how valid last night’s comment really was SMH… Thanx bunches guys.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Reaching, surpassing one’s limitations.

I hurt that you’re hurting and I empathize with everything you’re experiencing and wish I were close enough to you to just grab you and hug you for hours, then sit with you all day, and just talk things through, until you feel better. I’ve been where you are and I can attest to the fact that Prayer definitely changes things, it did for me. It didn’t happen overnight, in fact I suffered intermittently for fourteen long Yyyyyyeeeeeaaaaaarrrrrrrssssss, but that was all my fault. I surely could’ve been done with the craziness I went through faster, had I remained steadfast and avoided my triggers, but Nooooooo, I actually pursued the conduits even the more SMH, and by doing so I prolonged my own demise.

Even though I don’t know you personally, please accept me saying that I do love you like family, and want only what’s best for you moving forward. Without knowing the full magnitude of all that’s bothering you, it’s hard to try and assist. I don’t claim one bit to be a know it all or a professional with a focal point of stress or depression, but rather I’m coming from a place of experience, which has been considered to be our BEST teacher.

The best I can do, with miles in between us, being our hugest barrier is to offer up Prayer for you, if you like. I won’t assume that you’ll be receptive. Therefore, I’ll wait for your reply, I’m even willing to give you my number, in case you just wanna talk or you’d prefer Prayer via landline. Of course, I’m interceding for you as I type. But, I’d like to be more interpersonal and actually touch and agree with you… Plllleeeeeaaaaassssseeee respond, and Prayerfully I’m not out of line in my approach, your story just captivated me is all… Waiting patiently!!!

Alone No More is here for you; Heavenly sent… Be Blessed my friend

https://funds.gofundme.com/mobile/dashboard?url=h2r43w

Formulation of Alone No More (small group)

There are MANY of you who’ve offered to help with the planning and building phase of Alone No More, and I plan to start holding online meetings for us to come together all in one place, so that we can finally get this much needed Ministry moving in the correct direction. Instead of me checking each comment and inviting you to the meeting, please reply with your email address or mobile number, depending on the device you intend to use for the meeting(s). I’ll be using Anymeeting, beforehand you can check it out, and see which method you feel you’d be comfortable using and leave the corresponding information accordingly. Until I actually get the hosting site up and going, I don’t even want to throw out tentative dates and times, I’d rather post it once I know that I know for sure that it’s a go!!! Pray with me everyone that this finally works and God will increase during these meetings, and I’ll decrease, allowing Him to overtake my mind and speak through me according to how He desires for us to proceed from here. (sigh)… finally smiling, believing deep in my heart that it’s all uphill from here… We just gotta learn to be still, and watch Him work when we’re clueless about what in the world we’re suppose to be doing SMH. Well, time to knock down these hours… At least I’m going in here today feeling like a heavy weight has been lifted up off my shoulders… Thank You Daddy, and a multitude of Blessings sent in every direction for you guys as well 🙂 🙂 🙂 BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Suicidal thoughts affecting siblings… The devil is a LIAR!!! God’s still in CONTROL

This makes me sooooooo sad, to see that a sister transitions intermittently from fearing that her brother would commit suicide, to her herself experiencing overwhelming thoughts of it too SMH.

Yes, it’s likely and normal for family members to follow in each other’s footsteps… Like going into law enforcement, medicine, acting or modeling… That’s all well and fine. All three of my daughters mimicked me studying to become a Medical Assistant and eventually working successfully in the field… Now, that’s something to be proud of, especially me, as their mother, I feel as though I was a phenomenal role model.

On the other hand, suicidal thoughts and tendencies running ramped throughout a household of siblings is a sure enough reason to call together a group of missionaries for the purpose of intercessory Prayer… It’s a message in that happening, it’ll require much supplication in order to get to the root of it all. I don’t believe in or would never express to this family that I was concerned that someone had worked some type of witchcraft on them, casting mind controlling spells on them, because I’m sure that I’d be instantly discredited. But, in trying to analyze what could possibly be going on with them, that was a thought that crept in my mind, to no avail… Even though I threw it out there, trust me it holds no relevance and not even meant to be our true source of conversation. Plllleeeeeaaaaassssseeee act as if it were never mentioned, and instead focus on what ways we can help this family and undoubtedly many other families who also need assistance, as they’re going through this same kind of problem.

Alone No More is a ministry still in its infancy stage, that can deftly be beneficial in such times as these. But, we need help with funding, so that a proposal can be composed for grant monies that’ll be used to bring the whole entity together. Donate any amount, even if it’s $1, every cent helps and also share the link on your site(s). And know that it’s greatly appreciated… Every life counts, and those who are hurting simply needs the love, care, concern and compassion that this ministry’s team members will gladly offer.

https://funds.gofundme.com/mobile/dashboard?url=h2r43w

bekindbethoughtful

There are many things that are hard in life. We often have conflicts and dilemmas that stay with us for certain stretches of time. Sometimes they stay for hours, sometimes days, and sometimes they stay with us for years.  The things that make our lives hard are usually not things at all. They are thoughts.

I paused before I knocked on the door. There was slight apprehension in doing so because of the unknown.  What didn’t I know? What do I always fear when knocking on this door?  Whether or not my brother will have killed himself. I used to occasionally fear this, in an abstract manner, but as his outward signs of depression worsen the idea seems less abstract. Sometimes I find myself angry at him because is being selfish and not doing what he needs to be doing. But then there are the days when I feel sad…

View original post 79 more words

More on Sharing…

Sharing was always a BIG problem for me and I never understood whether or not it was because I was the babbbbbbyyyyyyyy of seven and was spoiled rotten, coming up, and Neeeeeevvvveeerr was taught or made to share with others. In any event, I learned while rearing my four babies just how selfish I really was SMH, and to this day I get sick to my stomach to even think I was that cruel of a person… Thank God for salvation, sanctification and transformation!!! I’m Nooooooo longer the idiot I once was… Hallelujah!!!

Today, I give quick, fast and in a hurry. Especially to those who are needy. Because God says what we do for the least amongst us, we do unto Him. Also, I was taught that we’ll never know if we missed an opportunity to give to Jesus and/or an Angel, and run the risk of failing the test and missing out on an enormous Blessing unknowingly SMH. To keep that from happening, just share period.

I won’t claim to be all the way there either!!! Because God just reminded me of my sneakiness last night, trynna open my favorite candy bar without having to offer my husband some… I even told him he was allergic to peanuts lol… He was like “no I’m not”… I was so piiiiiiisssssseeeeedddddd. And I think he seen my reluctance frfr, that I was laughing on the outside, but holding back at the same time… Not really wanting to give ggggrrrrrrhhhhhh… Dag why did I reblog this post… Now I’m mad at myself for being greedy!!! Daddy, please forgive me and I truly appreciate Your obvious chastisement, and I ask that you remove selfishness and candy greed away from me… Far away, for its not right to be stingy at all, even with things we look at as mediocre.

Itttttt’sssssss sooooooo important that we share unselfishly… Not with a mean or angry heart, so that our Blessings won’t be held up. God loves a CHEERFUL giver 🙂

penpowersong

More on Sharing…
By Apolinario Villalobos

There is more in sharing than what most of us know about it. The heavenly bodies in the universe share ample space. Without the fair sharing in the seemingly infinite space in the universe, the heavenly bodies including earth would have been bumping with each other. Humanity shares the air to be able to survive and so are the lesser creatures. Sharing is not limited to food. The Designer is wise, indeed, and that is what He expects His intelligent creatures to be.

Unfortunately, because of pride and greed among humans, even the road space is not shared fairly, resulting to altercation among greedy motorists. They want to get more than what is provided by going against the flow of traffic or by overtaking the long queue of vehicles as they come to a standstill. This greed sometimes results to violence, and worse, death.

View original post 201 more words

How can you mend a broken heart???

https://www.facebook.com/groups/hcymabh/

A Facebook group I started in 2008, during the most desperate and desolate point of my life, while in need of like minded supporters.

I was lonely, angry, sad, suicidal and down right hopeless!!! This congregation of hurting people helped me heal, and I returned the favor. Today, the group is flourishing, and I feel bad that I’m not as active as before, because my marriage is better than I could’ve ever imagined. So, I don’t really have much to write about.

Nevertheless, I gotta realize that I made a commitment, and as long as they need me I have to be there for them, just as they were for me years ago… It’s all about creativity, even if it means surfing the web, until I find relevant information to share, then that’s what it’ll be… Because I will not shut them out, no matter how good things go in my life!!! Neeeeeevvvveeerr forget where you came from.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

IPhone 4s on sale $30

In Washington, DC

Cracked iPhone 4s for sale $30… Powers on, Nooooooo internal damage just case front and back broke.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

With God ALL things ARE possible… This journey takes Faith and supernatural strength!!!

19 days away from the BIG 45, and I’m embarking on a transition that I know will be trying… And this is when I look to see my help ever so near.

Even my PCP advised that I don’t attempt this, while still experiencing such traumas that bring about anxiety, stress and inevitably depression. But, he doesn’t know the Special help I’m relying on at this juncture in my life!!!

My health depends on this change… There’s mornings I wake up and my chest feels like an elephant has escaped the zoo and is now utilizing me for his/her resting post… Totally unacceptable; the huge mammoth & the disgusting, expensive, stinky, lung inhibitors can goooooooooooooooo far far away from me!!!

I’m ooooooooohhhhhhhhh sooooooo done! Now I say that with a reserve pack within arms reach, and they’re still here because I’ve vowed to quit after devouring the last one. I know there’s trillions of you who’ve either already conquered what I’m about to face or you may even be with me at the beginning stage of your cessation add well ggggrrrrrrhhhhhh.

Whatever the case, let’s be each other’s networking empowerment. We MUST get through this, and doing it together will deftly make it much easier. This is when I’ll for sure watch my Faith be activated; every time a craving comes I’ve gotta quickly run fast as I can, like Forest Gump, to God… And y’all remember he had them braces on his legs, and eventually they fell right off… That’ll be me, once God truly delivers me, the very thought of the stupid Lil things will turn my stomach.

Soon I’ll be at the place where the smell of them nauseates me, and that’ll be a good thing for once… Crazy enough, I hate nausea with a complete passion. But, I’ll undergo it for a few ticks, long enough to be sure that I Neeeeeevvvveeerr relapse.

Just imagine all the money Imma save. Prettier skin, whiter teeth, fresh smelling breath, no more people running for dear life when I talk… Joke lol. I’ll be able to run up stairs, all the waaaaaayyyyyyy to the top!!! Where I use to have stop multiple times in between SMH. Most important though is the fact that my vessel will finally be all the way useful for God… Hallelujah!!!

Let’s do it guys… Nooooooo more cigarettes… Starting, when my last one is finished… Stay tuned, to be continued 🙂 🙂 🙂

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Testimony service is OFFICIALY open…. And I’m FIRST!!!

Growing up every time I seen anyone crying I assumed they were sad… On day my mom explained to me that people can actually shed TEARS OF JOY. That made me feel better… Now today I have my own reason to cry out thank You a trillion times to God, and I’m trying so hard to squeeze out some tears, to triple express my appreciation to Him… But, they won’t come. Nonetheless, He knows my heart, and how happy I am.

This is how I feel right now…

Those who follow me know that I keep intermittently having bouts of distraction and deterrence from the dumb devil. But, God has used all of you and the Holy Spirit to keep me sustained… kudos to yunce. And it gets better… This morning I finally opened a letter from a Prophet who regularly sends me messages from God… He was telling me that I had unknowingly opened the door to satan’s venom… of course I got all scared, but not bent outta shape!!! Immediately, I anointed myself with oil, and cried out to God. You talking bout supernatural/miraculous change, help, Blessings etc. flowing from on high. Thereafter, I picked up my phone to see a dreadful email from my ONCE auto insurance company, going in on me… boutta make me get all upset and cry bad tears… not the ones of JOY this post is referring to. But God!!!   He said, uhhhhh get rid of em!!! Just like that… Plain and straight to the point, in His still CALM small little voice lol. I wasted no time… Powered up the ole laptop, and got to surfing. Normally, this can be a draining process, having to search through several companies before you’re satisfied… Nope!!! Quick and easy, remember… I’m the King’s kid 🙂 🙂 🙂   Google always categorizes companies according to popularity and/or ratings. Whatever the case, the first one got stuck just spinning, supposedly looking for my driving and previous insurance history, and I’m like Nooooo waaaaayyyyy nobody can have that many tickets, not to mention it’s really only concerned about moving violations, and I own NONE! My Daddy said… move on to the next… Y’all already know my lil obedient self… I did so, and it was on and poppin from there…

I wanted to do this

but my husband would’ve probably called the ambulance lol… He’d been scared outta his wits. Can I tell you, I was expected to pay $416.92 on June 10th, but God turned dat thing AAAALLLLLLLL the way around… $126.37!!! And I know yawl probably thinking like I was, some of the coverage probably changed… No indeed, same coverage, and get this… SOME EXTRAS, and lower deductibles!!! I had my deductibles at their peaks, to keep my premiums down… But God! No More worrying about budgeting this and scarcely paying that… Forget about robbing Peter to pay Paul too… My Daddy is RICH… I reiterate, He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. Now let me run and get this money from my son, to put back in the bank, before it overdraft frfr… Lol, had to leave on a funny note. Especially since lucifer and his lil ugly creäture lookin imps been bothering me gggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. I’m gone… Enjoy y’all day!!!

Better at what I say then what I do SMH… Jesus Plllleeeeeaaaaassssseeee HHHEEEELLLLPPPP me!!!

I know sooooooo well how to counsel, advise and help everyone stay strong and show forth Faith in the midst of tests. But, when the tables turn I get sooooooo weak and act out… I hate, hate, hate this about myself.

I gotta record myself ministering to others or something, and be able to quickly playback the audio, to defeat the enemy, by not getting depressed or stressed, and prove to him that I do in fact trust God to do just what He says and really and truly believe it in my heart of hearts also.

The darts just keep coming so fast, that it’s hard to get my footing. And the Holy Spirit is immaculate, because He’s teaching right as I’m typing and I’m now able to see the good in my situation either way.

Point at hand: I allowed myself to be scammed Friday, something I always kept a defense against ordinarily, and would’ve never been so naive. But, these people seemed so convincing… Really had a call back number, answering as IRS and appeared to really be in a legit call center and all, and my husband had in fact applied for financial aid. So, I fail for it SMH.

Low and behold, the monies were placed on a greendot card, and I was feeling better because one young lady got my hopes up by having me email her documents to prove I was the initial card holder and in deed was a victim of fraud. But, I got a disturbing reply this morning, that tore me all to pieces. Thus, making me shun and be mean to my husband all over again… When I wasted the entire Friday already in despair and acting ugly… Took off from work, causing myself more loss, wouldn’t eat… Just in the dumps wanting a pity party I guess and for him to feel terrible… I know better, but I couldn’t get myself outta the stupor.

Not today, just as the Holy Spirit showed me… My father is rich and owns the cattle on a thousand hills… He can bring back that and more money and it don’t have to be from greendot… I just have to trust and believe and be ever so careful not to lash out while I wait!!! I can’t lie, I’m humanly mad at the fact that both individuals are able to get away with their actions and my hands are inadvertently tied. The scammers can’t be found and greendot are rightfully doing this to me because of clauses in their policy that cover them SMH… I don’t feel it’s right one bit though, especially since I have proof that I have the card in my possession and the people who falsely registered the card and used the funds cannot produce the same proofs ggggrrrrrrhhhhhh… Tests are hard. But, with the help of the Holy Spirit we’ll pass and eventually benefit from doing what’s right no matter what we face.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Nooooooo matter how it looks… I believe!!!

Heavenly Father,

Thank You for Your Grace and Mercy, in Your Son Jesus Christ’s Holy name!

Dear God, no matter what it looks like I believe that You want to and will bring this ministry together, so that Alone No More can be readily available to help Your people everywhere.

Daddy, in spite of how I may feel as though nothing is turning out right, I’ll continue to look upwards, towards the hills, from where my help comes; knowing that hold ups don’t necessarily count me out!!!

I Love You Father God, and nothing’s going to stop Alone No More from taking root… we will, in Jesus name, help the people, as You lead, guide and direct. God, I’m convinced that in Your own time, You will undoubtedly bring forth every individual needed to make this ministry what You intend for it to be!!! Have Your way, I surrender my all to Your mighty work… Use me until You’ve used me up… My only desire is to serve and Plllleeeeeaaaaassssseeee You at any cost. Amen!!!

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Sooooooo angry at myself!!!

Just what in the world is wrong with me??? “If God be for me, WHO can be against me?”

I gotta stop letting the enemy reap havoc in my life, and I go curl up under bushes, with my tail tucked… Whimpering and subdued… I’m a child of God, an heir of God and a joint heir with Christ Jesus!!!

God has placed tooooooo much in me for me to keep shutting down on His work!!!

My deepest apologies to everyone who has been willing to back me on His endeavor. But, watched me inadvertently sink into that ridiculous nearly two week depression phase… I’m just grateful that God knows me through and through; enough to know that I wasn’t arbitrarily saying no I won’t do it, because other secular issues and/or opportunities took premise.

But rather He saw the distractions the adversary created for me, to veer me off course, and He had to send the right people along to pull me back. I’d like to thank each one of you for continuing to message me, in spite of my silence, during my trying time… That is nobody but God, to keep you steadfast, amidst my craziness… Thanks, thanx… Then thanx one more again!!!

Everybody… Alone No More is about to take off… Hurting individuals will have the love, compassion, attention, affection, care, concern, time, and anything else they need!!! God purposely saved me from twelve obnoxious suicide attempts, and I suffer from Nooooooo brain damage at all… Actually, I’m ridiculously intelligent… Which shows He’s ever so present in my life. Therefore, onward I go… In His service!!!

I’m BBBBAAAAACCCCCKKKKK 🙂 🙂 🙂

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Tribute to suicide victims – YouTube

http://de.gofund.me/h2r43w

Please go through each link, and realize, especially through their Facebook posts, that these were once normal individuals, living out each day… Then, something happen!!! Most had an abundance of friends and family interacting with them regularly SMH… Alone No More wants to get to the root of the issues and be able to, with the help of God Almighty, stop suicide altogether.

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/fredericknewspost/obituary.aspx?pid=167476731

Jessica Gladhill

https://www.facebook.com/jessica.gladhill


http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/hartfordcourant/obituary.aspx?pid=166939399

Todd Dorey


http://www.suttonguardian.co.uk/news/8327340.Triple_suicide_family_torn_apart_by_fourth_death/

Anna Borau

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1356031/How-mother-bear-After-suicides-child-lost-legal-high.html


http://worlddestiny.proboards.com/thread/11146

Destiny Grindstaff


http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=82774735

Isabel Borau


https://www.facebook.com/neil.lal

Neil Lal


http://www.horancares.com/obituary/Sterling-Alexander-Malec/Northglenn-CO/1123023

Sterling Malec

https://www.facebook.com/events/482613408437952/


http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/deseretnews/obituary.aspx?n=jason-mark-ainsworth&pid=156091670

Jason Mark Ainsworth

http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=85735259


http://www.newsargus.com/obituaries/archives/2007/04/15/nathan_lynn_ford/

Nathan Ford

http://nathan-ford.virtual-memorials.com/

Be ANGRY but sin NOT…

I could only be furious with myself right now, because I’m the one who made the dumb mistake, and it’s so ironic, because I’m a stickler for checking everything twice.

Knowing that what God gave me is for a worthy cause and much needed, I really looked to see if the many individuals who viewed and liked the post had in fact taken the initiative to give a donation, only to find out the link was faulty SMH.

Do, I get frustrated and denounce the entire VISION due to one set back, merely on day 1 of implementation… Lord Nooooooo!!! I’m no quitter and the race is not giving to the swift, but rather to those who’ll ENDURE till the end.

That just means I have to do extra work to gain back the number of supporters who temporarily missed the opportunity to assist. Plllleeeeeaaaaassssseeee forgive me ggggrrrrrrhhhhhh!!!

Nevertheless, here’s the correct link http://e.gofund.me/h2r43w

Also, I’ve added a few stories to the gofundme page, just to enlighten all on the many families who have collectively been affected by the stigma of suicide. Some without warning, thus no perpetration or chance to help at all.

That’s why this app is so important. We’ll be right at the hurting party’s fingertips. Pain and anguish can strike at any giving time of the day or night. And Alone No More will be readily available at everyone’s beckoning.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Alone No More (Gofundme) info

I have no clue how to write proposals. So, I’ll raise money to hire someone to do that. Then, prayerfully get grant money to move forward with the app, website and team of helpers.

I know it’s gon be expensive and I’ll need energy to work two jobs and bring this all together. But, God is gonna give me His strength when I feel weak or bogged down.

http://e.gofund.me/h2r43w

Please at least pass that link around… It could be someone close to you next… Don’t overlook or criticize because it hasn’t hit home yet, and prayerfully it Neeeeeevvvveeerr does. Nonetheless, help in any way you can Plllleeeeeaaaaassssseeee.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Write the VISION and make it plain!!!

After experiences with suicidal thoughts firsthand, then seeing how prevalent it is with celebrities and others who one would think are established and shouldn’t even be experiencing such problems that’ll ever make them feel worthless, hopeless or inadequate; further proves that suicidal tendencies has nuttin to do with how much money you have nor does popularity make a difference. Hurting people are everywhere… And I wanna HHHEEEELLLLPPPP!!!

Alone No More

Is a non profit organization I wanna structure, that will operate 24 hrs a day and have an app attached to it, so that none will have to waste time dialing numbers to get help. What if they’ve already taken the pills or injured themselves, but have a change of heart, and too weak to dial out. This app will stay on the home screen (widget) and instantly a live counselor pops up and will be able to get your exact location, so long as GPS and location are both engaged on your device.

Also, with the app, say for instance you’re merely in the beginning phase of your plan, and you’re maybe able to just talk to someone and perhaps get to feeling better altogether. The counselor will either spend the needed time with you themselves or get someone local to respond to your location, in case you prefer face to face interactions.

Alone No More

Will have 24 hrs private prayer closets throughout the cities, for anyone to drop in as needed whenever, and they can choose whether they’d like for someone to pray with/for them or they want to spend time with God alone. Yes, we can pray anywhere. But, some people feel better in places that’s dedicated to/for the primary purpose of prayer.

Alone No More

Will either be staffed (on standby) at hospitals and and psychiatric associations, because everybody don’t just need to be medicated and locked on a ward, left alone to still think about your problems. Rather, talking it through is more helpful. Every time I’ve been committed the actual facility I was in did nuttin beneficial for me, aside from food, arts and crafts, an abundance of snacks and tons of mind altering drugs. The crazy thing is you end up lying, and saying your issue has diminished, just so you can finally get home. But, the problem just goes right with you. Instead, Alone No More will take the time to get to the root of your issue, and help you with therapy that surpasses sitting on a couch, going over family history and all the shenanigans. The time together will be spent doing whatever you enjoy, yet while still rectifying your problem. You’ll gain a new helpful friend.

However, this VISION will be expensive and time consuming. I need help writing proposals and staff to work with, ideas on how to turn these thoughts into reality. I can’t do this by myself, although I can see exactly how it should be structured. It’s gon take a committed team of US to pull this together. Come along and let’s put an end to suicide as best we know how… Giving the love that’s needed one click of the app at a time.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Stranger Danger… Ruuunnnnn >>>>>>>

All eleven of my grand babies know this term Ohhhhh tooooooo well. And Nooooooo doubt they take it serious and are always on guard and constant alert. In the same, children and adolescents are taught about this all the more, as they are allowed to enter the cyber world, with the remembrance of the many disgusting predators lurking to devour them.

Growing up, in my era, it was nuttin for young ladies who were either tooooooo lazy to walk or had Nooooooo money for public transportation, to take rides from whom ever offered. But, that quickly died down, when it actually panned out that we were in fact in danger by taking what was supposed to be a generous ride from a stranger turned deadly. Men and even young boys started taking advantage of the opportunity to over power random females and not only kidnap and rape them. But, kill them too SMH!!!

Thank God times have changed and surfing the web has its perks and benefits. And I learned to appreciate it all the more in 2006, when I was too downtrodden to even pull myself outta the bed to seek help for my troubled mind and broken heart. Instead I took to Google, in search of “Online support groups”. That was an amazing experience for me… Although I didn’t particularly find exactly what I needed using those search terms, all was still well. Because God helped me use my wits and HCUMABH was formed, and within months it was flooded with member requests… People were then and still are hurting geeeesssssshhhhh!!! I’m not alone after all 🙂

Nonetheless, my real reason for posting on this topic arose simply from the love, encouragement and support I receive on my new site Da Ugly Ducklin which is connected to WordPress. They’re Nooooooo strangers at all!!! Our interactions are more interpersonal and they always take the bold stance of using their personal testimonies to make me feel better, thus showing me you’re not suffering by yourself… We’re going through the exact same or similar issue as you, and together we’ll conquer these obstacles. I love it!!! What do you call so called strangers, who care like they do, with sooooooo much concern and compassion for your well being???

I know Nooooooo better than to call them FRIEND… Who cares about distance, class, race or demographical background. People like that deserve awards, especially because the acts of generosity is genuine… Let me tell each of you firsthand… I love and appreciate you all, and I hate that it sounds sooooooo cliché. But, just know that it comes from waaaaaayyyyyyy deep down in my heart… And remember Heaven smiles upon you and yours for the good works you do here… Keep up the GOOD work 🙂

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Post from HCUMABH 2/19/14

I felt compelled to share with you what horrific experience I endured last week, and some of you may have watched it all unfold, yet while other’s will read about it for the first time tonight.

I went through a break up on the 14th that sent me for a loop, and what made it different than any other is the fact that coupled with the overwhelms of emotions, I attempted suicide for the umpteenth time, and it also panned out way far different than before. And as I continue, you’ll understand better where I’m going with this. But, as I write this to you I’m shaking like I suffer from Parkinson’s disease, but it’s merely the affects of the medicine they pumped me up with and the drugs I consumed in my dumb attempt.

I keep asking God why I have to always be lonely, and His reply, one that I’ll finally accept is plainly “you’re not alone, you’re just being savored for Me”. People, I’m 43, and have always been domineering, Soooooo for me to find myself begging for my mommy, while strapped to a hospital bed gave me the biggest wake up call ever. I quickly realized I was no longer in control, and had to be subjected to whatever they did to me… scared me out of my wits.

Point at hand, in God revealing to me that I’m His, I came to the conclusion that all the creativity within shall be used for His purposes, and I was taking back to the very day I started this group, even then it was adamant for me to be doing what God wanted, but I was running.

NO MORE, or I won’t have to take my own life, He’ll do the work for me, and more than likely without warning, and I probably won’t be ready. My problem with surrendering was the fear that I’d live a boring life… as it is now, who cares! I say yes to His will hands down. Trust me, I won’t be missing anything, but the drama that was Neeeeeevvvveeerr good for me from the start.

I’m mad at myself for all the promises I’ve made in this group, but failed to fulfill… please forgive me. Starting tonight, that will change, the power moves that I’ll make for God will integrate the group. While locked away, I seen just how needed this group really is, but not in its dead state, that’s why I must get myself together, Soooooo this group will be what it’s intended to be.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Post from HCUMABH 12/2/13

Update: 5/16/15 We’re together and doing marvelous… Prayer deftly changes things!!!

I think my biggest hurt comes because I don’t have discernment, and I was totally wrong thinking that him coming back into my life after a ten years gap was a divine miracle, but this morning proves I was only fooling myself. I wanted it to work so bad I just didn’t care about any of the signs that showed me it wasn’t of God… I was just tired of being lonely.

I almost feel like being angry with God, even though I don’t walk upright before Him as regularly as I should, doesn’t mean I need to suffer like this… it’s embarrassing. I have my room door locked, so I know my family thinks I’ve been sleeping peaceful all night… but Lil do they know, this pain is probably one of the worst ones I’ve ever had to endure… narcotics couldn’t even knock me out.

The crazy thing though, I have friends and family members who can stay in relationships for years on end, and they won’t even attempt to seek the face of God… but I have Him at the forefront of my life, and repetitive break ups is my destiny.

Back when I was going through those years of suicide attempts, when I first started this group, trust me, it wasn’t because I was weak… because I know my worth, and I realize I CAN make it without a man financially… but that’s not the case… the point is I don’t want to!!! It’s hard going from watching t.v. with someone, cuddled up in their arms… y’all cracking your sides at the same time to the funny parts, or you both get teary eyed simultaneously… once that significant other is gone, t.v. is now a thing you hate… which causes a domino effect to occur, because now depression is working its way into your realm… SMH!!!

But, this is the kicker… although the problems were on and off between he and I, I purposely would over look them because I honestly believed our connection to be of God, since we married the first time in 1998, then again in 2000… calling ourselves renewing our vows, in an effort to have a new slate… in June 2003, God blessed me with a good job, that not only paid good, but it was interesting enough to aide in me being able to wean myself off of him, and there was absolutely no contact until March 2013, when I used this exact venue that I’m posting to right now to track him down, and the rest is self explanatory I guess!!!

Nevertheless, I still have to believe that God has a plan even in this pain I’m going through.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Post from HCUMABH 2/26/14

GM Heartmenders 🙂

Prayerfully all is well with each of you, as for me, life couldn’t be better. NO, everything’s not perfect, but it don’t look like it use to and I have great expectations for the days to come. Starting today, I’ve decided to wholeheartedly TRUST God with my entire life, more than I did in the past. Before, I somewhat gave Him my all, but it was too easy for me to stray. This time around, I’m SOLD OUT, NO turning back, and my desire is to take each one of you with me, as I journey through life in peace and harmony… secure in my mind that God and the heavenly bodies are with me and won’t allow any of US to dash/gash our foot against a stone.

Am I promising you a problem free life going forward? No indeed!!! In fact, I’ll honestly tell you that trials are destined to occur. But, know that is the evidence that we’re walking the straight and narrow… just be sure NOT to deviate. Yes, temptations will rise and you may FALL short, it’s normal my love, just don’t waller in it… immediately get back up, REPENT, and grab our Father’s hand and proceed on.

Each day, before your feet touch the ground, make it a habit to Thhhaaannnkkk God for new life, invite Him into your day, and ask Him to guide and guard every part of your being, and place a covering over your love ones. Then, move into action, allowing Him to have his way with you, of course, follow your routine as normal, taking care of your hygiene and diet, still exercise if you always did, make all your same phone calls and go on to work. The only difference is your quiet conversations with God, that helps you with decision making. For me, I have a spending problem, that arises even more so when I’m bored or sunken… that changes today, as I walk in any store from now on, my prayer will be “Daddy, You know what I need, anything is of no importance, so don’t let me spend unnecessarily”. Likewise, ask Him to aide in your life, in whatever area you struggle. To add, find a point when you open up to be used by Him, for His purpose… just say “Daddy, You’ve been Soooooo good to me and mine, now direct me to do something for You; it’s my pleasure to serve”.

Fam, I know I never finished the series I started about intriguing your man… my bad!!! But, who knows if that was the correct message for me to convey, maybe God will take us back to it or He may lead us somewhere else totally… just be patient with me and enjoy the ride… as always, I love you all to pieces 🙂

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Post from HCUMABH 1/19/14

I’m back… at work and can only write during breaks, so bear with me.

Nonetheless, back to what I was conveying earlier; before I jump back to it, I wanna give you some history.

When this group evolved some nearly five years ago, I was probably worse off than I am now and surely didn’t think I’d live to see myself be the supportive individual that God allowed me to soon become, and I say soon, because we (HCYMABH) are about to excel.

Back on the very day I sat at my computer and formulated this group, I had no idea what I was doing, and just how it would even turn out, and even with all my slack, I can proudly say we’re 2k strong, and I look forward to us growing in leaps.

However, the day I spoke about was the day I was released from a mental institution, and actually my first time ever attempting suicide, I couldn’t believe that was the route I took, considering I always thought I could conquer anything. The way I was living my life, back then, you would’ve thought I was in jail for homicide vs me being the victim.

Long story short, after leaving, I still wasn’t feeling up to par, so I looked for support groups in my area to help me cope, but nothing was local, so I searched online to no avail. Then God dropped it in my spirit to start my own… I did and here we are. Except I haven’t been faithful to the group, and that’s none other than a trick of the enemy, who caused me to get sidetracked, by sending temporary relationships my way, to keep me from ever getting the good news out to everyone. But, all that’s out the window now… I’m back focused. But, I’ll have to come back later again, breaks over… but do keep a look out for the following posts, because it’s bout to get juicy… stay tuned.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Post from HCUMABH 6/28/14

ATTENTION: If you have a friend or loved one who suffers from a mental illness, make it your business to implement a plan of action for the time when you notice that they’re in a stupor.

Which means you need to dedicate time now to figuring them out through and through, and Plleeeaaaasssseeee don’t have the attitude(s) “That’s their problem, they better deal with it, and stop being weak.” Or “Bless their lil heart, I’ll be Praying for em.” Or here’s a good one… “I’m not feeding into them, they just want attention.” Duhhhhh, that’s exactly what WE long for and NEED.

Trust me, the illness is real, and NOT something that should be taken lightly, and this goes for both parties (the ill and the should be help mate). Especially when thoughts of suicide have EVER come in to play, if not treated correctly, the attempt will eventually turn into a well thought out success, and that’s going to be detrimental TRUST me.

For me, at this moment, my mind is clear, and I’m realizing that my situation can be used to help others, just by conducting prominent research and collectively keeping this page updated with cases of people who struggled for years, without getting proper love, attention, medication and guidance, and ultimately ended their lives… SMH.

You are OUR brothers/sisters keeper, and those who can’t help themselves needs you… be there for them.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Post from HCUMABH 6/9/14

GE HCYMABH MEMBERS,

No doubt, I’m ok with allowing God to mend my broken heart, because I know He’ll be genuine in His acts towards me, Neeeeeevvvveeerr wavering in kindness and support and the sadness some people make me feel at times wouldn’t EVER occur with Him. However, what gets me angry, upset and confused is the fact that I’m not able to treat the hurtful people the way they treat me… The flesh side of me wants to be like Rick Ross (God forgives but I don’t) but I’m too afraid of God’s wrath.

He helped me realize FFFFIIIIIRRRSSSSTTTT that I shouldn’t retaliate against the people, because it’s NOT actually them who’s treating me unkind, but rather the adversary is working through them, in an effort to keep me sidetracked from ALL the things I’ve been called to do for Him… see the dumb devil knows it’s about to go down, and many, once again, will change their wicked ways, and come to Christ wholeheartedly, JUST by keeping in close proximity to me… Soooooo, he thinks by reaping havoc unnecessarily between us will complicate OUR relationship to the point that my witness will be of NO effect… NOT!!! Dumb is ya Lucifer 🙂

That just makes me PRAY harder, and the more I seek God on the issue, the faster chains are BROKEN, generational curses diminish, pain and heartache disappear, and family orientation is strengthened… dummy, you’re on notice, TODAY, I am a child of God and always will be, NO MORE falling by the wayside… I’m grounded and rooted… And everything God has for me and mine shall come to pass!!!

How can I mend my broken heart… easy, through continual Prayer and supplication… you have no place here… therefore, return to the pits of hell, WHERE you belong… while Weeeeeeeee move forward in total Salvation… (((TOODLES)))

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Permeate me √√√√√√√

Daddy, I continually surrender my ALL to You and Your Work. I want You to live in and through me, to the point where my words, actions, ways, responses and thoughts surprise me.

True, we have free will! But, I relinquish ALL to You. I keep messing up being myself, following after the lusts and desires of this crazy and chaotic world, and always letting this filthy flesh win. I’m completely sick of it. My primary reason for breathing is to please You in EVERY aspect of my life.

Yes, we have every right to repent, and You do forgive instantly, and that’s MUCH appreciated. But, I just wanna be transformed and renewed to the point where my mess-ups are minimal to none at all!!! You’re sooooooo wonderful to me, BETTER to me than I am even to myself. So, I wanna express my gratitude by being a Good and Faithful servant… I too wanna hear the words “Well done!!!”

Just like Paul said… The things I’m supposed to do I don’t do. But, ALL the things I shouldn’t do; I end up doing ggggrrrrrrhhhhhh 😦 😦 😦 I’m tired of playing tag with the adversary… NOOOOOOO MORE!!!

Father, I’m totally and completely sold out for You… Have Your way in my life, and use me till You use me up!!! Help me to be humble, meek, compassionate, loving, caring and considerate to ALL, even if they’ve hurt me. And it takes dying to my flesh to be able to look past the hurt that others have intentionally caused me, and still love them just as Christ loves the Church… That’s why I beg of You to purge me with hyssop and wash me white as snow.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Post from HCUMABH 9/1/12

At one point, I would spend countless hours analyzing myself, trying to figure out what was wrong internally, that caused constant problems in my relationships.

I will admitt, I like all others have flaws, and I can tend to be a bit dominate at times. But, to repeatedly meet with disappointment is ridiculous, and I haven’t a clue what the issue is.

While reflecting on myself, I considered my physique to be the primary culprit. So, I got my weight in tact, and happiness re-kindled. But, before long he was gone again. Then, I assumed it had to be my overbearing demeanor. So, I took on the back-seat occupant role of the relationship for a while, and I let my mate drive us for some eight miserable months; to no avail. Let me tell you, that obnoxious ordeal was short lived, and I eventually found myself by myself, and really contemplating suicide.

After a while, I began asking God if He ultimately wanted me alone, because He had other plans for my life. But, I can’t see that being the predicament, because He made woman from and for man… Which indicates that there IS somebody out here for me. I’m just missing the mark somehow.

To sum it all up, I’m not living in this realm of confusion by my lonesome, and I’m asking for input, so that we, who are hurt, can come out of our emotional bondage, and find TRUE happiness. Don’t be shy, we can all benefit from each others testimonies.

#TEAMHOWTOMENDMYBROKENHEART

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

Cry me a river (((((TEARS)))))

I hate moments like this, when I see my baby trying sooooooo hard to win a contest, in pursuit of his dream. I just wish I had the magic wand, so I could zap him into the place of success that he desires.

As mothers, we always wanna kiss our baby’s ouchies, encourage them when they’re down, nourish them back to health when they’re under the weather… But, this endeavor right here is beyond my reach, and it crushes me.

He’s my ONLY boy, and has Neeeeeevvvveeerr given me any trouble… In fact, he lifted the weight off me, as a single struggling Mom, rather early, by 14 years old he was totally providing for himself, and has kept the same momentum up to this very day.

Generally, anything he sets out to accomplish he drops jaws in amazement. But, this industry that he’s embarking upon ain’t very friendly and easy to tap into. There’s something we just ain’t doing quite so right or shall I say what we were doing… As of today, I give it ALL over to Christ, and watch Him direct our paths.

I was reluctant all these years because my son’s music choice falls within the lines of secular entertainment, and I didn’t feel apt to Pray on his behalf because of it. Then I realized, God loves and knows us ALL!!! The skills, talents and gifts my son possesses came from Him. Of course, I believe things would move much quicker if he were glorifying God with his music. Nonetheless, it’s my child, and I’m determined to Pray his strength, believe in and support him.

God knows better than me 🙂

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

My journey

In 1993 I first learned of God in a way that would truly be beneficial to me, opposed to what I was accustomed to as a child, at my Grandma Toads’ house, having the missionaries come over every Sunday morning, to teach the household how to live right.

Then, I was way too young for any of the teachings to take root, and change my sinful ways. All I did was watch the clock, waiting for the lady to leave, so I could get to play outside. Although the atmosphere was always structured, and the lessons placed before me contained pertinent tips that could have saved me from most of the heartache I endured after becoming an adolescent, I never forced myself to listen, thus reaping havoc in every arena of my life thereafter.

Today, I’m determined to get it right, and seek Gods’ face like never before. I know firsthand that He’s a keeper, and He rewards anyone who diligently pursues Him. I can bear witness to Him being GREAT, because I had a chance, for a couple of years to have Him working closely with me, once I surrendered my all to Him, and asked Him to lead, guide and direct me. However, I took the wheel again, and it wasn’t until a couple of months ago that I realized I absolutely need Him at the forefront of my life or I’ll either end up in hell or a jail cell, and neither of them are an option for me. I have eleven (11) wonderful grandbabies that not only depend on their parents for moral support, and look for a positive role model. But, also they definitely expect me, the overseer of the entire clan, to have myself in order, so they’ll know how to conduct themselves.

Back in the day, I use to attend these cell groups, that were so helpful and conducive for me but I can’t find them in existence any more… SMH!!! They were a plus, because each new comer was teamed up with a seasoned member, and the two would schedule Prayer allotments and we would also meet for mid-week Bible studies at one or the other’s home, and that getting together like that always carried me over until Sunday morning worship service. Thinking about those days makes me laugh, because my children would be so angry, because I was so thirsty for Christ that we basically lived in church. Twice on Sundays (AM & PM) services, choir rehearsal on Tuesdays, Bible Study on Wednesday, and the cell groups took place every other Friday… I miss that… It sure did me some good. But, I unfortunately allowed my flesh to take over, and I backslid. Nonetheless, I’m happy to know I serve a God that shows forth Grace and Mercy to every one of us. He knows we can’t keep ourselves, and our flesh craves after the ungodly things of the world… But, it’s our responsibility to remain GROUNDED and ROOTED in the Word, so that we’ll have the power to fight against temptations as they rise.

Tonight, I take the initiative to reconstruct the old workable cell groups again. So, if there’s any God fearing women, who feel just like me… You have a desire to do right, but you need that extra push, let’s team up together and PUSH each other into Heaven’s gates. It’s important that we Pray without ceasing and read God’s Word, and we can make it happen as long as we have FAITH the size of a mustard seed… I’m waiting, inbox me please 🙂

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)

What’s next???????

I’m sooooooo numb, but not suicidal!!! I’m waiting to see just what God is going to do in the upcoming seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years. I’m simply standing on His promises.

My mother’s day ended horrific, and I blame my actions on my inability to refrain from alcohol. I have this misconception that I can’t be friendly and fun unless I’m under the influence… Totally inaccurate!!!

Two days have passed, and I just apologized, but I wasn’t even the initial aggressor. Nonetheless, if I expect anything from God, I gotta ALWAYS be the bigger person, and it don’t seem fair at all… However, obedience is deftly better than sacrifice.

Besides all that, I need a focal point for my life or I run the risk of repetitive altercations. I need some substance, and I know it’ll start once I get wholeheartedly connected with a devout group of believers. But, the obstacles are surmountable and it’s driving me insane… Sort of like a catch 22… I have to work two jobs, in order to make ends meet. But, that impedes on my ability to get grounded and rooted the way I need to ggggrrrrrrhhhhhh… SMH.

Actually, going to services would cause sleep deprivation, because of my chaotic hours at my full-time. Then, trying to do, on my own, in what spare time I force pans out under non beneficial, because in the same way, one cannot teach themselves academically, likewise I’m not able to fully grasp the Holy Word, and know what I should be doing alone.

I’m a runner by nature (when the going gets tough/rough I get going) and my life appears so pointless and inadequate in the DMV, and I feel as though I need new scenery and different opportunities!!! There’s sooooooo much inside me, both good and bad… But, I keep telling myself once I find a new spot and implement a new way of living, thinking and acting… All the overflowing good will absolutely outweigh the bad.

I get daily emails from Rick Warren and Joel Osteen, and lately I’ve been urged to find out exactly what it is that God has for me to do, and I have some ideas. But, I quickly dismiss them, because they all require time, money, energy, and/or support that I don’t possess. Low and behold, I refuse to give up, no more getting so frustrated that I result to taking my life, because I’m confused and angry!!! That’s simply the trick of the enemy.

I’m determined to wait on God… He’s got something BIG planned, and I gotta be ready for it. But, without the flare ups, at the least bit of disturbance in my life. Every day won’t be perfect, and problems WILL arise. So, I’ll stay away from liquor, which makes me react incorrectly, and keep a sober, Prayed up mind… That will allow me to go through chaos calmly, thus passing my test, and eventually moving on with God, in the realm of emotions necessary for the Blessings He had stored up for me and mine.

BnfEnT (CEO Son Son – DMV)